rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Ouch. My eyes are watering. And it’s not for the usual reason….

It turns out that Tiger Wood’s “Go Big or Go Home” approach to marital infidelity is going to cost him 750, 000, 000 dollars.

His hot wife (who has evidential forgotten that she is Swedish, and therefore was expected to indulge, possibly even encourage, Tiger’s proclivities) stands to walk away with this huge sum, plus the kids. The upside is that Tiger will be left with approximately 40 million dollars to spend on hookers and pornstars.

That’s plenty. Seriously.

I’ve looked into it.

RADAR Online – that impeccable source – has the story and says,

“When they first started negotiating the divorce, it was very acrimonious,” the source told RadarOnline.com. “Elin had a lawyer in California who was very, very aggressive.”

But we learned that Elin switched attorneys months ago and that took much of the anger out of the negotiations.

“Things are now very civil between Tiger and Elin – at least in terms of getting the divorce taken care of,” the source told RadarOnline.com.

Importantly, Radar Online also has “Exclusive Sexy Photos : All of Tiger’s Women!”.

So that’s alright then

Those of us who have siblings know how awesome it is to taunt them. There’s basically nothing better, more satisfying or more fun. The trick is to keep it bubbling along at such a level that they never quite blow up until you are ready for it. This guy is funny and an accomplished sister-bully.

I could always make my mom laugh when she was trying to be mad at me, too. It’s easy if you have the knack.

And if you are her favorite child.

By miles.

Some marketing genius has figured out a way to sell modern gangsta pop to a group that usually sticks close to Death Metal. I refer to the Trekkoids – The Sci-Fi geek community whose numbers are legion and whose insidious influence pervades every aspect of modern life.

What? You seriously think the iPad would have been invented if Firefly hadn’t been canceled? Think about it.

So this is for the Trekkoids, but I think there is something in it for us all to enjoy. It’s Kesha’s Tik Tok with Kirk, Spock and Bones. Take it away, Scottie…….

Kesha (or a variant of it) used to be vulgar slang for ass. Now it’s a girls name.

What is the world coming to?

I mentioned to somebody only the other day that my ‘type’ is “conventionally beautiful”. We have discussed this on these pages before. In celebration of my extraordinary good taste, here is The Fox in her undies (twice):

I hope that has helped rid the taste of the last post from your mouth.

Yeuch. Seriously.

Oh my God. This horror combines all my dislikes. She looks like one of the hobbit women at the beginning of Lord of the Rings (Bilbo’s party – remember?). Perhaps one that has been crossbred with a horrid goblin.

Even her name brings to mind Middle Earth. It occurs to me that this thing could depilate her entire body meticulously and still look hairy……

Am I being mean?

(Post Script: One G. Lucas of California has sent me a dozen emails begging me to correct the spelling of Wookiee which I have now done).

I went to see Harry Brown last night at the 5 Points Theatre (note spelling). You’ll recall from my preview that this is the Michael Caine vehicle about an elderly vigilante in the violent projects of central London. It was even better than I expected, but this did not surprise me. You see, I have this theory that Michael Caine is the greatest man on Earth. The most awesome fella going. The best guy out.

There’s plenty of evidence to support my hypothesis. His canon of work for starters. By itself, the combination of Zulu and  Dirty Rotten Scoundrels gets him halfway there. Factor in Get Carter,  The Italian Job, Hannah and her Sisters (Oscaaaaaar…),  the BRILLIANT imagining of Graham Greene’s The Quiet American, and you have got something pretty special. I could live on a desert island with just his movies (plus the Empire Strikes Back, Weird Science, and Christmas Vacation) for the rest of my life, quite happily.

But actually, the single thing that finally convinced me that this guy eclipses even Oliver Reed‘s awesomeness as a hero and role model, was a quote from The New Yorker, which interviewed him in advance of the release of Harry Brown. Here it is:

Harry Brown is the most fragile, weary, shoot-the-moon vigilante yet. Caine said his key to understanding the character was that he himself once served in Korea:

“When I was nineteen and a soldier, I often wondered how I was going to be if I knew I was going to die. At one point, we were ambushed in the paddy fields, just four of us surrounded by Chinese. And my instinct—which has lasted me the rest of my life—was: All right, I’m going to die. And that’s O.K. But”—he paused and leveled a heavy finger at the recollected enemy, and at any future adversaries—“as many of you as possible are going to die with me. I’ll take the whole fucking lot.” He grinned. “I’m going to die expensive.

What a fucking dead-set legend. I rest my case.

Every now and again we stumble upon a Craigslist Classic. A post on that notorious site which has been written with humor rather than commerce in mind. You have to look carefully, but occasionally, in among the ads by truckers looking for prostitutes to murder, there is real comedy, which lightens your soul and convinces you that maybe, just maybe, life is not shit all the time*, after all.

Well an example of just such a post has appeared on our local Craigslist. Check out this legend, who goes by the made-up name “Pat”:

Naturally I gave Pat a call and asked to see this monster, so hated by his spouse. It’s pretty bad, but I considered buying it anyway. He was good enough to send some pictures. It is hideous, but strangely appealing:

The question is, did it sell yet? And, perhaps more importantly, who bought it?

*The prevailing view in the media and elsewhere.

If you enter the words “Rush Limbaugh” and “Clown-like shape” into the Google, you will see that we have seized yet another number 1 place.

I think we can agree that not since the “Kiran Chetry” and “hot ass” episode have we triumphed quite so comprehensively.

A Fat Clown

Rush Limbaugh

It’s uncanny, really.

I was in Richmond, Virginia this weekend. Why? You don’t need to know.

On Thursday night I found myself in a nightclub, where I discovered this individual. Clearly a dangerous sex pest. Hide your daughters/sons/gerbils.

I think it is important to mention that this guy was not in a band or anything. He had just brought a trombone with him. In the same way that a girl would carry a purse……

Look closely. Only half his chest has hair. What’s up with that?

He is a strange ranger.

I added the “bitches” in the headline. It seems more “street”. Though I think we know that the only street I am down with is Saint Johns Avenue (and only stretches of that, to be honest).

Anyway my new favorite is that one song from the car ad by The Heavy:

Here are the so-called words:

Now there was a time
When you loved me so
I could have been wrong
But now you needed to know
See, I’ve been a bad, bad, bad, bad man
And I’m in deep, Yes I am
I found a brand new love for this man
And I can’t wait till you see
I can’t wait

So how you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now etc.

Remember the time
When I eat you up
You know that I wasn’t lyin’
that you can’t give up
So if I was to cheat
on you baby would you see right through me
If I sing a sad, sad, sad, sad song
would you give it to me

How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now etc

Does that make you love me baby
Does that make you want me baby
Does that make you love me baby
Does that make you want me baby

How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now

It gets a bit samey but I am told consistency and repetition is the key to something or other. I forget what….. breakfast, maybe?