I know my shit is tight…..  

Posted at 7:55 am in rivercityvibe | 1 Comment »

Once in a while, I get something so good that it  drives me, like a champion of the Iditarod, back to rivercityvibe.  Star Wars is a big deal if you’re my age.  Boba Fett is the jewel in that saga’s crown. This  shit is tight:

Long lyrics, Savor them. Roll them around your tongue

Cruisin’ Mos Espa
In my Delorean
War’s over
I’m a peacetime mandalorian

My story has stumped
Star Wars historians
Deep in debate,
Buffet plate at Bennigan’s

Rhyme renegade
Sure to penetrate
First and second defence
I won’t hesitate

Got a job to do
when Darth’s the guy that delegates
Got something against Skywalker
Someone he really hates

I don’t give a fuck
I’m after Solo
For all I care
He could be hidin’ at Yoda’s dojo

Gotta make the money
Credit’s no good
When the jawas run a shop
In your neighborhood

Think you can cook?
I got a grappling hook
Let’s make this quick
‘Cause I’m really booked

I’m a devious degenerate
Defender of the devil
Shut down all the trash compactors
On the detention level

My backpack’s got jets
Well I’m Boba the Fett
Well I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt
To finance my ‘Vette

wicky wicky woo

Well I chill in deep space
A mask is over my face
Well I deliver the prize
But I still narrow my eyes
‘Cause my time
I don’t like to waste.

Get down

I’m a question
Wrapped inside an enigma
Get inside of Slave One
Find your homing signal

From Endor to Hoth
Ridley to Spock
I’ll find what you want
But there’s gonna be a cost

See, my name is Boba Fett
I know my shit is tight
Start not actin’right
You’re frozen in carbonite

Got telescopic sight
Flame throwers on my wrist
You still don’t get the gist
Spiked boots are made to kick

Targets are made to hit
You think I give a shit
Yo mama is a bitch
I see you in the Sarlaac Pit

You just flipped my switch
Integrity been dissed
You scratchin’ on my itch
You know I shoot the gif

I get bambinas at cantinas
when I lick my lusty lips
So I let you get back inside
Your little space ship

Give you a head start
‘Cause I’m the sportin’ kind
Consider the starting line
The sneaky smile I hide inside

Hope you have hyper drive (drive)
pray to stay alive (‘live)
Don’t try to slip me a five
‘Cause I never take a bribe

To the beat of a different drummer
Bad ass bounty hunter
Let no man put asunder
Or else they be put under

As in six feet
Got an imperial fleet
Backin’ me up, gonna blow up
Any attempt to defeat

They gotta death star
Got four payments on my car
Hand it over to hammer head
At Mos Eisley bar

He used to carjack
Now he’s a barback
Just goes to show how you can
Get back on the right track

As for me that’s not an option
Can’t say that with more clarity
Me going legit would be like
Jar Jar on speech therapy

My backpack’s got jets
Well I’m Boba the Fett
Well I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt
To finance my ‘Vette

wicky wicky woo

Well I chill in deep space
A mask is over my face
Well I deliver the prize
But I still narrow my eyes
‘Cause my time
I don’t like to waste.

Get down

Slice you open like a Taun Taun
Faster than the Autobahn
Or a motorbike in Tron
Do the deed and then I’m gone

Jaba has a hissyfit
Contact Calrissian
Over a colt, the plan unfolds
No politic is legit

Back in the day
When I was a slave
Living life in the fast lane
Like in a pod race

My mean streak tweaked
I became a basket case
So this space ace
Split that place, poste haste

Took up a noble cause
Called the Clone Wars
‘Cause life’s not all about
Girls and cars

Getting fucked up
In fucked up bars
See, I’m not a retard
Or gay like de Barge

I’m large and in charge
With a face so scarred
A cold black heart
That’s been torn apart

The Sith wish that they
Had a dick so hard
‘Cause it’s long long ago
In a pussy far far

Call me master, ’cause I’m faster
Than Pryor on fire
I no longer have to hot wire

I’m a hunter for hire
With no plans to retire
And all the sucka MCs
Can call me sire

My backpack’s got jets! (jets jets jets)

Well I’m Boba the Fett! (the Fett the Fett)

Well I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt, (Jabba Hutt Jabba Hutt Jabba Hutt)

…To finance my ‘Vette (my ‘Vette my ‘Vette my ‘Vette my ‘Vette)

Written by Joe Bones on September 27th, 2011

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Professional Russians  

One of the questions I get asked the most is “Why is your personal  security detail recruited almost entirely from the Slavic peoples? Russians, Ukrainians and whatnot?” Well, there are two reasons – the first is that Chechens abhor my opulent (some would say sybaritic) lifestyle…., so I have  yet to successfully recruit one of them (which I’d prefer), and second, this:

Worth watching. A slack handful of these guys, with a sprinkling of USMC Recon, British Paras and a single Canadian sniper and I could die of old age defending this hill.

Written by Joe Bones on April 27th, 2011

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In crime, timing matters…….  

Posted at 9:58 am in Assclown of the Week | No Comments »

I could link this headline in some “ohhhhh, so  clever, you are…” way to the fact that I have not posted for a while. I’ve been busy. First it was Tunisia, then Egypt, then Libya and just as I thought everything had calmed down there was Japan! (By the way, don’t believe the hype. The chance of significant radioactive leakage has to be very slim, yet the risk of a few people  dying seems to have pushed the 2400 who actually did die off the front pages….. I guess the media  considers massive earthquake/tsunami mundane, next to radiological disaster. Remarkable).

Anyway, back to the timing of criminal acts. If you are going to attack someone with a pair of scissors while having your haircut, do it before, or after. Or you’re gonna look a fool in your mugshot:

Modernizing: Mide-seventies to Mid-Eighties

Modernizing: Mid-Seventies to Mid-Eighties

I harvested this from the fertile fields of The Smoking Gun. If ever there was a site which provided cast-iron proof in support of  Bones Rule #1

I have also qualified this guy  for Assclown of the Week.

Written by Joe Bones on March 15th, 2011

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Something for the Weekend #48  

Do not say we are not at one with the zeitgeist. This CRAZILY good-looking SFTW subject is the naughty minx Ines Sainz, a sports reporter for Mexico’s TV Azteca who crashed the Chicago Bears locker room and apprently thinks it is sexist that she’s not allowed in there (something like that, I didn’t really read the story, just looked at the pictures…..).

ines sainz 011

Wikipedia has this to say about her, if you’re interested. If you just want to look at pictures, the amazing Men’s Health magazine has them in numbers here

Written by Joe Bones on September 17th, 2010

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Mark Zuckerberg needs a slap……  

Posted at 9:26 am in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

That seems to be the prevailing opinion. The Facebook founder and owner has been pretty much reviled in the press. I think it is the usual type of jealous abuse – you know, him being a geek and the youngest billionaire on the planet and all. I have tried to form an objective view of him and there are good grounds to believe he is probably a bit of an asshole, but his story…. his story….

I read a book once called Masters of Doom. It was about the guys who invented the computer game Doom and the weird shenanigans that these geeks get up to the whole time. I have no idea what Doom is or why it was so important*, but the book was UTTERLY fascinating. I think Zuckerberg’s story is likely to have a similar appeal. Anyhow, we’re about to find out, the biopic The Social Network is on its way. Strapline: You don’t get to 500 million friends without making a few enemies. See what they did there?

I have to say, using Radiohead’s Creep was inspired. It works on many different levels. Of course, it’s not as good as the superlative version, live by Chrissie Hynde, but it works. It really does. Even though they left the work “fucking” out.

Talking of social networks, you can follow Joe Bones on Facebook and Twitter. Do it. We run competitions (bikini, mainly) and shit like that.

(*I have only played one computer game in my life – Modern Warfare 2. I am SKILL at it. Seriously. On free-for-all I can pwn your ass no problem. WITHOUT claymore mines).

Losing my mirth….  

Posted at 3:10 pm in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

A number of profoundly boring things have occurred lately. A sentry droid at Bones HQ ran amok and destroyed two of my best orchids. On top of that, I crashed my jet pack into the river on the way to work this morning (that’s why the Ortega Bridge was closed). Now it’s soggy and favors the left. I have to keep correcting it midflight which is giving me wrist ache. On top of this, my dog’s lower lip has begun to lose its pigmentation, which is giving me sleepless nights.

Basically, this has caused me to lament the human condition.

Lament it.


Nobody could put it better than the Swan of Avon and nobody could put the bard into a more relevant context the Messrs. Robinson and Grant:

I am going to self-medicate myself with a lager poultice, a pale ale enema and 2 quarts of stout, orally administered. Then I am going to secure a bottle of 18 year old malt, rub a  quarter of it on my chest and drink the rest.

I’ll be right as rain by morning.

Written by Joe Bones on September 15th, 2010

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Ladies of DragonCon Part 3  

Posted at 2:55 pm in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

I am bored of this now, but again, it has proved an unbelievably popular attraction. Let’s see who I can randomly pull out of my pics  folder carefully select on their aesthetic merits, six crucial criteria: face, rack, posterior….. (that’s enough sexism. They are people, not objects. ed.)

Carry on please, Sarnt Major......
Carry on please, Sarnt Major……
Yes. Very nice.
Yes. Very nice.
Chaps = crotchless leather trousers
Chaps = crotchless leather trousers
Violent looking. That's good.
Violent looking. That’s a good thing.
Work it baby! Work it!
“Squadron 40! Dive!”

I thought Brian Blessed was going through a personal crisis for a minute. Okay, one more post – Repeat Offenders to appear in the next week and that’s the lot.

Jeez, this has got really old for me. Yawn.

Written by Joe Bones on September 15th, 2010

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Perhaps we could reanimate Alexander McQueen?  

Posted at 1:59 pm in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

Since he offed himself, Lady Gaga’s outfits have gone from the sublime to the ridick! Seriously, this is her at the airport. I was thinking “at least wearing next-to-nothing will speed her through security” then I noticed her stupid shoes. And. Her. Fucking. Handcuffs.

Lady Gaga

Can it be a coincidence that “Lady Gaga’s” real name is Stefani Germanotta. Which: a) is itself an obviously made up name; and b) has the word German in it (look carefully).

And we all know what we think of them.

After what they did…….

Written by Joe Bones on September 15th, 2010

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That one guy from Stark County….  

Posted at 11:46 am in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

I nearly broke this news, but after an afternoon drinking an opaque liquid from a smoky bottle that a limbless friend brought back from Dushanbe, I forgot about it completely for four days.

So it’s old, now.

Like your sexual technique.

Here he is, Phil Davison, Stark County (wherethat?) Treasurer wannabe, getting enthused:

He has a lot of academic qualifications. And he REALLY wants to be Treasurer. But I love it when he muffs his “most favorite quote”. The one that Albert Einstein “issued”…….

Ladies of DragonCon 2010 Part 2  

Posted at 3:27 pm in rivercityvibe | 1 Comment »

Where would we be without them, I ask myself? Without lovely ladies who know a minus 2 THAC0 when they see one, and can outline the multiple powers of the Invulnerable Coat of Arnd while stripping to nearly nothing for the team. BOOM!

well done.

Just look at those.

ooooh, chase me.......

ooooh, chase me.......

oi, you. Behave.

oi, you. Behave.

Smouldering. Nice ass too, BTW.

Smouldering. Nice ass too, BTW.

The right attitude.

The right attitude.

We’re going to have one more ladies of DragonCon post and then a post on Repeat Offenders – those who I snapped this year and in 2009.

It’s because you love it, you bunch of weirdos…..

Written by Joe Bones on September 13th, 2010

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