rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I added the “bitches” in the headline. It seems more “street”. Though I think we know that the only street I am down with is Saint Johns Avenue (and only stretches of that, to be honest).

Anyway my new favorite is that one song from the car ad by The Heavy:

Here are the so-called words:

Now there was a time
When you loved me so
I could have been wrong
But now you needed to know
See, I’ve been a bad, bad, bad, bad man
And I’m in deep, Yes I am
I found a brand new love for this man
And I can’t wait till you see
I can’t wait

So how you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now etc.

Remember the time
When I eat you up
You know that I wasn’t lyin’
that you can’t give up
So if I was to cheat
on you baby would you see right through me
If I sing a sad, sad, sad, sad song
would you give it to me

How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now etc

Does that make you love me baby
Does that make you want me baby
Does that make you love me baby
Does that make you want me baby

How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now
How you like me now

It gets a bit samey but I am told consistency and repetition is the key to something or other. I forget what….. breakfast, maybe?

Reporting the Catholic Church pedophile scandal falls to a member of the press with a peculiarly unsuitable name….

Love it. A fine example of Bones Rule # 1 in action.

As I recently noted, in our River City, we never go too long without boarding a boat of some sort. I even go out to eat by canoe, on occasion. It’s like Waterworld, here. Everyone needs some kind of waterborne mode of transport simply to survive.

With that, I want to introduce you to possibly the best music video we have ever posted on rivercityvibe. It basically sums up the reason why I live here. It’s Lonely Island with I’m on a boat:

(it’s that ‘rap’ deal so there’s bad language. Mainly ‘motherfucker’ but also ‘shit’ used as a synonym for “everything” as in “and shit”. Also the phrase “I fucked a mermaid” which I found particularly amusing):

I feel the lyrics deserve some attention:

Aww shit, get your towels ready it’s about to go down (shorty, yeah)
Everybody in the place hit the fucking deck (shorty, yeah)
But stay on your motherfucking toes
We running this, let’s go

I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
Everybody look at me ’cause I’m sailing on a boat (sailing on a boat)
I’m on a boat (I’m on a boat)
I’m on a boat
Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat (boat, yeah)

I’m on a boat motherfucker take a look at me
Straight flowing on a boat on the deep blue sea
Busting five knots, wind whipping out my coat
You can’t stop me motherfucker cause I’m on a boat

Take a picture, trick (trick)
I’m on a boat, bitch (bitch)
We drinking Santana champ,
Cause it’s so crisp (crisp)
I got my swim trunks
And my flippie-floppies
I’m flipping burgers, you at Kinko’s
Straight flipping copies

I’m riding on a dolphin, doing flips and shit
The dolphin’s splashing, getting everybody all wet
But this ain’t Seaworld, this is real as it gets
I’m on a boat, motherfucker, don’t you ever forget

I’m on a boat and
It’s going fast and
I got a nautical themed
Pashmina afghan
I’m the king of the world
On a boat like Leo
If you’re on the shore,
Then you’re sure not me-oh

For more click HERE.

And I’m with you. In Riverside, Avondale and Ortega, a nautical themed Pashmina in de rigeur…….

If you like beer, and don’t mind jogging a little, these comedians could be for you. Describing themselves as a drinking club with a running problem, the Jacksonville Hash House Harriers meet every Wednesday evening, somewhere in Jacksonville, with the express intention of running cross country and drinking beer, simultaneously. I went out with them a month or so ago. It was quite a vibe………..

For a start, they all have noms de guerre which they refer to as “Hash Names”. You have to have “hashed” a certain number of times before you are awarded a “hash name” – before that you are know just by your “nerd name”. I was known as (and referred to throughout) as “Just Joe.” The seasoned “hashers” had names like “Preteen Spirit“, “Inflate-a-Date“, “Aunt Jemima” and (my favorite) “Brown Underpants.” Many of the names went for a puerile, pseudo sexual angle (which, I like ) “Senior Spitizen“, “Crash Test Dildo” and “Cock Jockey.” It might be childish, but it ain’t for kids……..

Their runs (called trails) follow a series of what I can only call runes marked on the sidewalk in chalk. Like this:

strange sigils, portents of doom?

Now I managed to decipher a number of these over our 3.5 mile jog/run. The one that looks like BN, means “Beer Near” and the one at the top, with two circles with dots in (that look like boobs) means “show your boobs” and applies to the female contingent.

And they do.

It appears to be compulsory

The trail is designed with plenty of false routes so that those who want to actually run can go off and identify the right way. Those who want to approach the trail in a more leisurely manner, can follow on behind. Quite smart really.

The whole deal ends with a ritual circle in which songs are sung and drinks are drunk. Crimes on trail include ‘boy scouting’ (helping others), “competitive behavior” (treating it like an excuse to get exercise, rather than an excuse to drink beer), and, I think the worst crime in the Hash Rulebook “wearing new shoes on trail”. All crimes are punished in the circle by the Master of Ritual and the Grand Master of the Hash.

There’s generally some more boob flashing a this stage, too. Though the standard (of boobs) varied, I think the general feeling was that they were all welcome.

Ritual Circle and a 'punishment'

Since I started writing this I have googled “Hash House Harriers” and been BLOWN AWAY by what a HUGE DEAL it is, worldwide. They’re even on Wikipedia. Apparently our local group is the tip of the iceberg and Hash House Harriers trace their origins back to British Colonial Malaya:

Hashing began in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, in 1938, when a casual group of British
colonial officers and expatriates began meeting on Monday evenings to
run…… to rid themselves of the excesses of the previous weekend. This
original group consisted of four members: Cecil Lee, Frederick “Horse”
Thomson, Ronald “Torch” Bennett, and Albert Stephen (A.S.) Ignacious
“G” Gispert. J…..

After meeting for some months…….  A.S. Gispert suggested the name “Hash House Harriers” in homage to the Selangor Club
Annex, where the men were billeted, so named the “Hash House” for its
notoriously monotonous food. The final word, “Harriers,” refers to the
role of those in the chase, where the “hare”
was given a head start to blaze a trail and mark his path with shreds
of paper, and then pursued by a shouting pack of “harriers.” Apart from
the excitement of chasing the hare and finding the “true” path,
harriers reaching the end of the trail would be rewarded with beer, ginger beer, and cigarettes.

God, I like it even more now. Everyone should try it once. Like cross-dressing.  Visit www.jaxh3.com.

We are fans of Ferrells’s canon of work, here at rivercityvibe. The iconic Frank “The Tank” Ricard is high in our pantheon of heroes, right up there with Bill Donovan and Larry “Buster” Crabbe. He’s always worth watching (apart from in Elf), particularly, when he is with that one guy, John C. Reilly, from Talladega Nights…..

So I could not recommend  Stepbrothers more highly. A hilarious movie with an important message (something to do with “activities”)……

I recommend you buy it. It’s at Target. Here’s the trailer:

Oh, and you may, like a buddy of mine, purchase in error, the standard DVD. Avoid this. Pay an extra seven bucks and get the Double DVD version. I have no idea what’s on the second disc (it slipped under the sofa) but I reckon it’s awesome……

While we’re on the subject of celebrities whose lives are in the shitter, let’s talk about Mickey Rourke. At one stage, Angel Heart was near the top of my all time great movie list (it has two of my favorite things in it – female nudity and voodoo). He was also in 9 1/2 Weeks, which was, to an eighties child, pretty much the last word in erotic titillation. Like Strap on Midget is for today’s kids……

Anyway, he’s been away on the usual spiral of drug-fueled self-indulgence for the last twenty (count ’em) years. Various newspapers report that he has now got his act together (the fact that he has NO money may have helped) and is all set for an Oscar nomination for his part in upcoming wrestling flick, errrr, The Wrestler*:

Apparently, it is a dead cert for some kind of recognition. The  trailer below reveals a movie big on crying and pathos. On the upside, there are strippers in it:

I was going to make some crack about his facial appearance these days, but as it is evidently a congenital condition, I won’t…..

As it is not the kind of movie I would automatically recommend to you, I intend to see it before y’all. So as to give you thumbs up or thumbs down.

That’s how much I love you.

(*Already out in some theaters. I have to put this or the movie geeks will bombard me with sneering emails. It’s not all beer and babes, this job, you know…….)

The longer I live in Jacksonville, the more weirdos I come across. Eccentrics, obsessive enthusiasts and out-and-out lunatics all rub shoulders on the banks of the St. Johns River. They form multiple subcultures, of which many of us remain totally unaware

They usually welcome Joe with open arms. They understand that I have a duty to my public to report the peculiar. So, this is the first in an occasional series. We’re starting with the local chapter of the Laurel & Hardy Worldwide Fan Club.

"C'mon Stanley..."

Now, my agents tell me that this whole Laurel and Hardy Fan Club gig is bigger than Ben Hur. Apparently its a GLOBAL movement, like the boy scouts or Al Qaeda. They are called “the Sons of the Desert”. WIKIPEDIA says:

The Sons of the Desert is a Laurel and Hardy appreciation group founded in 1965 by L & H biographer and admirer John McCabe. There are now chapters all over the world. The organization was named after the comedy film Sons of the Desert.

Each local chapter is known as a “tent” and is named after one of the comedy team’s movie titles. For example, the Hollywood tent is called “Way Out West,” the Boston members are the “Brats,” and the Glasgow Sons belong to “Bonnie Scotland.”

Jacksonville’s ‘Tent’ is the “Any Old Port Tent“. You see what they did there? Nice.

Any old Jaxport

“Tent” meetings take place monthly and movies are shown. The movie Any Old Port which I saw on TV when I was 8, is described on the ‘Tent” website:

Ashore from a whaling voyage, Stan and Ollie check into a seedy hotel, to find a equally seedy proprietor trying to force a young girl to marry him. They rescue a girl but leave their money behind. To raise some cash, Ollie happens upon an old friend who is looking for boxers for a prize fight. He offers Ollie $50.00 for a boxer. Ollie accepts the offer, unbeknown to Stan, Ollie plans to have Stan take part in the fight as a boxer. Once in the ring they find the identity of his opponent to be the angry hotel owner!

The usual.

For more information about the Sons of the Desert and specifically, the Any Old Port “Tent”  email grandsheik@asu2000.net. Or call Joseph Fortunato on 904 443 2828.

Tell him that Harold Lloyd sent you.

I have all but given up listening to NPR. I used to have Morning Edition on in the car, but lately I’ve found it makes me  stressed. Whether it’s Chinese influence in the Congo, or the mysterious absence of ecologically-vital honey bees in the central states, there’s always something that leaves me feeling vaguely ill-at-ease.

So I’ve ditched radio while driving and instead, pass the time by counting the number of Salt Life stickers on the back of cars. There are hundreds (Can anyone explain to me what is that about?).

There is one show, however, on Jacksonville station WJCT, which has the opposite effect. I am talking about the uplifting and ever-brilliant Electro Lounge. In a town in which (let’s face it) it is considered cool to play The Smiths (get OVER it, Five Points…..), it is great to have quality, modern music available.

nice helmet

Look at the line-up for the first hour tonight. Check it, check it, yeah yeah…….

9:00) Taj Mahal w/Jack Johnson – Further On Down The Road

9:05) Spearhead – U Can’t Sing R Song

9:10) Morcheeba – Otherwise

9:14) Cashbah 73 feat Mariella Gonzalez – Vinyl Junkie

9:18) Taj Mahal feat Ziggy Marley – Black Man, Brown Man

9:22) Dope Head Blues – Victoria Spivey

9:25) Rockerfeller Druglaw Blues – The Felice Brothers

9:30) The Drinking Song – Loudon Wainwright III

9:35) Aliison Moyet – That Old Devil Called Love

9:41) Botanica – Age Of Irony

9:44) Ezio – All I Really Want

9:47) De_Phazz – Something Special

9:50) Everything But The Girl – Single

9:55) Big Joe Turner – Wine-O-Baby Boogie

So, tonight’s homework is simple. Listen to the Electro Lounge.  Wallow in it. Do so, and you have taken an important step toward lifestyle optimization…..