rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Seriously. I left Bones’ HQ for Bones’ Hideout at lunchtime, thinking I could grab a sandwich and a lunchtime cocktail. Maybe walk the dog, watch TV. As it turned out, I did none of these, because as I arrived, the mailman called me over and, with a wink and a nudge handed me the NEW Victoria’s Secret catalogue……… It meets the required standard. Here’s a preview:

Lima

Miller

Lima again

And it’s not even Friday!

I saw an immaculately dressed lady walking down the road at Atlantic Beach this morning. I noticed  she was carrying an awesome purse in the messenger bag-style. I have trained myself to notice these kinds of details, believing this to be one of the best lifestyle optimization skills going. Noticing details about people allows you to converse knowledgeably with them on subjects that interest them and make them happy. In the case of clothes and accessories it further allows you to keep mental notes of options for future gifts that might help you manage those sticky-situations with our womenfolk that we all (let’s face it) find ourselves in from time to time. I am also good at haircuts and boob jobs. Noticing them I mean…..

I inquired politely about the purse. The lady’s face lit up and I basked in her happiness. I felt great. She enthusiastically explained that it was the Gucci Sand Python. Unfortunately, it has to be pre-ordered, so it’s of limited use for getting you out of the shit in quick-time. You could always order one in advance, I suppose (a just-in-case option that I would not discount if you’re feeling especially mischievous). Good to know, anyway.

You can order it HERE.

For those of us (and our numbers are legion) who wished the entire Star Wars franchise had concerned itself solely with the adventures of Boba Fett, Hunter Prey may be the best movie ever. If you can ignore the dreadful voice procedure (always annoying) then you should check out the trailer:

Look, team, I am trying to nip this bizarre and unwonted (good word) sci-fi obsession in the bud. I promise to post a busty babe later, okay?

I am overcome with excitement to tell you that a movie that ranks alongside such greats as Weird Science, the Empire Strikes Back and Withnail and I, is playing at the 5 Points Theater on Friday.

To clarify and even underline my point, that’s the theater that serves beer during the show. Which I love. The movie is the Coen brothers’ classic, The Big Lebowski:

He's a pederast, Dude.

The show starts at midnight. I will be there in my Walter Sobchak shades, fortified by a number of White Russians.  To get you in the mood, here’s Kenny Rogers with I Just Dropped In (To See What Condition My Condition Was In):

We had Kim Kardashian on Something for the Weekend once, so we’ll leave her out of this. Her sister Kourtenay is appearing in this months Maxim. let’s have look at her with her other sister Khloe (left):

I know. It’s a choice I have visited many times in my nightmares.

*And you can’t say neither.

Now, I am a feminist. You know that. I do not judge ladies on their looks. I appreciate a good looking girl, but I do not judge her worth in that way. With one significant exception: Samantha Ronson.

You’ll recall that this is the girl who lured rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan away from men. What is more, she is not a looker. Nobody could claim that for her. Now that Lindsay and Samantha have broken up, and the haters are bashing LiLo over it, I feel I can come clean with a theory I have had for some time:

Samantha Ronson not only looks like a man, she actually is a man, and she starred in Series Two of The Wire.

Samantha Ronson

Ziggy Sobotka

I think this is an open-and-shut case.

I used to admire Graydon Carter. I admired him for founding Spy, a magazine that had a profound influence on my life at an impressionable age. I admired him for having the guts to mock everyone (though mainly Donald Trump), and I admired him for having the style to enjoy himself while he was doing it. But I confess, during his years as Editor-in-Chief at Vanity Fair, the bloom rather left the rose for me.

You see, to my mind, the mocking of celebrity all too rapidly became a fawning over it. The Vanity Fair party at the Oscars, over which Carter presides like an Ottoman prince, became the thing he was “known for”. And high-profile gossip from folks like Toby Young made him look like a bit of a prick.

With today’s publication in the Daily Beast of an interview with actor Rupert Everett, I may just have been granted the permission I need to admire Graydon again…… When interviewer Kevin Sessums (irritatingly mannered-style….) points out that Everett is listed as a contributing editor on the masthead of Vanity Fair, Everett replies:

I know. Who does one have to fuck to get OFF that masthead? He’s such a weird character, that [Vanity Fair Editor in Chief] Graydon [Carter]. He’s certainly not the buffoon he looks like. This is the most amazing thing I found out about him. I was once staying at a hotel and I was in the room directly under his. He is an amazing fuck. And you can quote me on this. The screams coming from the woman were some of the purest sounds of pleasure I’d ever heard. And there I was sitting alone in my room unfucked. Suddenly it all made sense. That messy hair of his that I always thought was buffoon hair was buffoon hair hiding a monster cock. The next day I went down to breakfast and Graydon came in and I thought to myself, well, now I understand why you are always acting so entitled and walking on air even though you’re rather fat. It’s because grazing the grass between your legs is this appendage of yours. I did rather politely tell him that morning that I thought he was a very good fuck.

Priceless material. I like it when he says “And you can quote me on this”. I am going to show it to my mom, who I hope will then forgive then-model Rupert Everett for influencing a young Joe Bones to tear fashionable holes in a brand new pair of Levi 501s she had just bought for me……

It has been confirmed that rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan is once more back on the market for man-love. Though some haters say she never left, Lindsay herself confirmed some time ago that her relationship with girlfriend Samantha Ronson (a bit mannish….?) was the real thing. Well they’ve split up folks, and I have another excuse to run pictures of Lohan (who I love – eros not agape):

Happy with that......

Good.

I like to think I have exorcised yesterday’s science fiction vibe. But I am not sure……..

If you have ever, as I have, been faced with an army of diabolical automatons controlled by an evil overlord and his super-hot female companion, you’ll know how important a speedy means of escape is. Next time this happens, make sure you have access to one of these bad boys:

It is about the coolest thing I have ever seen. I found it on coolhunter.info. I was imagining when you would use one, and that’s what made me think of the Nazi Automatons. You know what I mean, right? It has a decided “King of the Rocketmen” look to it. Straight out of that one movie with Jolie and Law, which I previously described as crap, but I have since been reminded that I liked. Aparently……..

Lately, I have become more familiar with the blogging community in Jacksonville. You’ll appreciate that until people started commenting on rivercityvibe, the weboids and I had barely a nodding acquaintance (in fact, I used to bully them in college, but that’s one of the behaviors I am seeing that Buddhist about).

I have to say I was absolutely DELIGHTED when, out-of-the-blue, Jacksonville legend (and non-geek) Tony Allegretti contacted me to say he had recommended rivercityvibe on the Urban Jacksonville Weekly podcast. The show itself made me blush, so kind were his words. He went so far as to say we were a serious  challenge  to co-host Joey Marchy’s position at the top of the local blogging community. I genuinely could not give a fat rat’s ass about that, but it was nice to hear, and I looked forward to it being posted online.

Then it mysteriously vanished. Nobody knew where it was. It seemed as though it had never existed. It was, frankly, uncanny –  like the Twilight Zone. I know some of you have your conspiracies theories on this. I’m cool with it, though………

Anyway, it’s been found. So thanks very much to the Tony, Joey and Jonathan at Urban Jacksonville Weekly. The show is here. In the barely conceivable event of you not being interested in two week old Jacksonville news, let it load and spool forward to about 4 minutes before the end.

Thanks again Tony!