rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

If you can stand living among fascist zealots who try to ban nature, Gallant Sea Manor, a luxury property at Vero Beach, might just be for you. Plenty of room for the drunk spring-breakers you rescue from the fun-police and their stormtroopers:

The property was built by the Wackenhut family (made-up name). Luxist tells us:

Gallant Sea Manor commands a prime chunk of waterfront real estate on Orchid Island across the Indian River intracoastal from the city of Vero Beach, Florida. The huge French Normandy style manor was created and built by George Wackenhut in 1998 and includes over five acres of land with over 360 feet of prime ocean frontage.

It’s on the market for a COOL 36.9 million bucks. But hey, the furnishings come with it. Word of Warning, however. See that “zebra-skin” rug in the picture above? I have one in the library at Bones’ Hideout. It is actually painted cow hide. True story.

I’m considering it. But to swing it I’d have to sell some of my weapons grade uranium. And to be honest, I’m not quite there yet……..

What with the recession and all.

That habit we have, in Florida, of leaving one perfectly good beach and driving three hours to another, similar beach, once led me to Vero Beach. We stayed there a week, and I would characterize the experience as “okay”. Little did I realize that the puritan streak that pervades our culture and jostles for elbowroom among such everyday expressions of liberation as the thong, intimate piercings and the Alt Porn industry, had found a cause at Vero Beach. That cause was ass cracks and the local zealots mobilized to pass a law.

Their reasoning went something like this: “Vero is a beach community. We often host Spring Breakers. Spring Breakers like to wrestle in jello and get naked. That means our children might be exposed to butt-ocks. Let’s ban butt-ocks.” Then one of the city council, a rather anal* lawyer, said “First we need to define, in law, what buttocks are,” (he was snowbird Yankee).The rest of them nodded sagely before getting together to come up with this:

“For purposes of this section, the term ‘buttocks’ shall mean the area at the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line drawn at the top of the nates (i.e. the prominence of the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the at the lowest visible of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower, and between two imaginary lines on each side of the body, which lines are perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above, and …”

The practical application of Euclidean Geometry. I hope you found this as informative as I did.

(*See what I did there?)