rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

So we got to the game early. I was riding with Kenny P and McPolish. Benny Anderson off of ABBA had foolishly over-indulged the night before and was missing, believed vomiting. We were meeting up with my buddy III who is the king of this sort of celebration……

My regular thing dropped us off in her experimental water craft (which she claims was built by Israeli Special Forces for Littoral Operations in the Sea of Galilee. Maybe.) We were inserted at Jacksonville Landing. The first person we saw was this guy:

He was a Gator, for the record

I think that counts as One for the Ladies….. As we pushed further into the mayhem (via weak and pricey shots at that place that used to be Gaslights. The shots had fruit in them. so actually had the effect of sobering me up. Hardly their purpose), I began to get the impression that this year was going to be off the hook. This was 100% confirmed when I saw this:

An engineering marvel

It was a mobile, gas-pressured, three way beer bong that can deliver three cans of beer to three participants, in under three seconds.

I like them apples a lot.

The legend who was in charge of it has a future as an impresario (apparently he’ll need something. Five years of college and a sophomore already……) No sooner had I explained who I was and that all the Russians (ex-soldiers and strippers, mainly) were part of my entourage, than he grasped what he must do. He lined up three beautiful girls and arranged a demonstration. Here is my photographic essay on the subject…..

Feeding the Beast

Adopt the position

Bend zee knees (if you like)

Chin it, Padre!

Clear. Ease springs.

Each one of them earned a cheer from the crowd as they emitted, one by one, three of the most lady-like beer belches I have ever heard. They were a pleasure, beginning to end. I was rather lost in music, at this stage, so I did not get anyone’s name. Email me if you want credit, girls and boys. I am afraid it won’t count in class, though……

So that was a highlight. Incidentally, we saw the Fifth Column again. There was plenty more of the usual naughtiness. As tradition dictates, I did not attend the game, or know what the score was. I presume the Gators won……

It turns out that a super-hot model teacher has appeared in Playboy, and been fired for it. Math, teacher? No. English teacher? No. History Teacher? No? Physics teacher? No. I could go on all day, but I’ll just tell you. This teacher taught cheerleading.

Well, they didn’t make them like that when I was at High School (though I never went in for cheerleading. Bridge Club and Junior Christian Fellowship were more my bag*). The teacher is Carlie Christine formerly of Casa Robles High School in Orangevale, California. CBS 13 reports:

“And I was in shock that I knew the girls had seen it and knew about it,” a parent told CBS13. A lot of parents and faculty are talking and looking.

“The whole football team has seen it,” says one parent.

No shit, Sherlock. What amazes me, in this day and age, is that appearing nude in Playboy is considered a bad thing. More of that weird puritan double-standard we have here. Here’s another picture, for luck:

*Obviously, I’m kidding. I didn’t belong to any clubs at school. The Awesome Club and the Fucking Legend Club? They belonged TO ME!

Our representative in Washington DC, Ms. Corrine Brown (D FL) has been getting a lot of online exposure lately. I first met Ms. Brown when she pushed in front of me in the line for security at Jax International* Airport. I didn’t know who she was, at first, but I noticed that she had HUGE holes in her hose already (it was 7.30 am). I formed a low opinion of her, which I later revised when I heard her speak in DC. She was not bad at all, in fact. Clearly cared about her constituents and was plain-speaking with no bullshit. Though I did wonder if, perhaps, she had a screw loose……..

Now I have seen the footage below, I wonder no longer. This weird gown she is wearing is evidence enough, but the text of her speech and its delivery leave me in no doubt. We’ve got a live one!

This kind of nuttiness is to be celebrated, not vilified y’all. I thank God for our comedy leaders every single day.

(*international in that we fly to the Bahamas. For two weeks in the summer….)