rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I have never posted Hilton before, principally because I consider her a vapid fuckwit with a face like a robber’s dog and a body like a undernourished teenage boy. That’s said, the picture below is hot off the press. As I have always maintained, noticeably larger jugs than usual will take a girl places. One of those places is SFTW…..

I don’t know much about lesbian gangs. I have been going to Kickbacks a lot, lately, in an effort to improve my knowledge, but all I have got out of it is The Fear and an appreciation for the numbing qualities of Sierra Nevada Harvest (awesome BTW).

Anyway, it appears that lesbian gangs run womens’ prisons. I know that sounds unbelieveably awesome, but apparently it is nothing like that one movie we passed around in grade school. Nothing like that at all.

Now that rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan is going to prison, said gangs are going crazy at the prospect of …. ahem….. meeting her. Her well known sapphic tendencies combined with a rack to die for and, let’s face it, her attractive crazy streak, combine to make her the best thing in the prison system since suicide netting.

The ever-reliable Sun, has this to say:

Lindsay’s A-list neighbors will be replaced with tough guards at the Lynwood correctional facility, as well as fearsome lesbian gangs desperate to get their hands on her.
(A source said) “Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan. Or if you get her to cry, the whole ward will laugh and people will love it – even the guards.”
“The gay inmates wear their shirts inside out to let others know they are available. So if Lindsay doesn’t want someone to grab her ass she’d better keep her shirt on straight. Women grab each other like animals when the guards aren’t looking. It’s disgusting.”

That shirts inside out things explains a lot, by the way….. I will be following Lindsay’s stay in prison in the most prurient fashion possible. You can be assured I’ll report it all back to you…….

Not really. I just love to use the word probe in relation to hot babes.

Also, for a Russian, this girl is really not that hot. Last time I was in Novosibirsk, I had constant heart-ache from the drop-dead gorgeous girls that pass for the service industry there. And in Yekaterinburg they have female bus-boys who I would start a nuclear war for…. Once you cross the Urals the standard goes UP, if anything. At the time the tragedy was that I was forced to keep them at bay with a shitty stick. I think they were after my 501s but I am not sure…..

Anyway, here is “kinky” Russian spy Anna Chapman photographing a microdot of the Death Star Plans she had secreted under her left boob:

In what I can only describe as a bizarre twist in this story, the delusional chunky-monkey Kelly Osbourne had this to say:

…… Singer-actress Kelly Osbourne, the daughter of rocker Ozzy who previously appeared in films such as “The Town That Boars Me,” said she hopes to play the accused spy in a big-screen adaptation of the scandal if one is made.

“I am absolutely intrigued by the Russian spy story in the news at the moment,” Osbourne, 25, told Closer magazine. “I want to play the glamorous red-haired one, Anna Chapman, who everyone’s talking about.”

It would not surprise me in the slightest. Bones Rule #1 in play.

This counts as Something for the Weekend, by the way.

Okay, the whole country music thing (below) has led to accusations of a ‘lack of focus’ at Bones HQ. Well it’s not true. I had this planned all along:

I haven’t even bothered to look up her name. THAT’S how much I love America.

Bones out.

Kim Kardashian is the gift that keeps on giving, first-time visitor-wise. Whenever she is featured, hits on this site go through the roof. That’s not to say we are using her. Oh no. We value her for far more than her ability to satisfy our cravings for page views. Mainly, of course,  her smoking plus sized rack and ass.

…..and because i love y’all so much:

My mother recently described this blog as “puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense”

Can you believe that?

I think we’ve nailed it!

Now if there is one rule that I live by, it’s “Go Big or Go Home.”

For those who are unfamiliar with this concept, “Go Big or Go Home” is a saying I made up ages ago to express, in a memorable form, the idea that half measures are a waste of time. Tiger Woods, who is right now hiding at TPC Sawgrass a scant dozen miles away from Bones HQ. has become a poster child for this philosophy.

You see, no matter what your moral position on adultery might be, You have got to admire the way Tiger went about it once he’d decided it was the thing for him. I mean, he really went for it, fucking literally dozens of enormously-racked hookers, bar maids and pornstars. I mean, what did he have to lose? I am told that once you do one you’re going to hell anyway……

Exhibit Alpha

You see, Tiger, whatever his faults as a human being, has earned my admiration for the barely fathomable way in which he has demolished his own reputation. You can imagine how it started – some ropey waitress with a worthwhile rack came on to him. He succumbed and found himself thinking ….Hang on…. I’m fricken’ Tiger Woods…. I can do better than this… Next thing he knows he’s shouting for a flunky, “Alphonse! Get the Bunny Ranch on the line. Tell them it’s Big Johnson and I am sending a Chinook.”

Okay, its not funny. There are children involved and a Swedish model wife* but I have still got to take my hat of to Tiger. No half measures. He went for it, balls to the wall. He may be a dangerous skank-shagger, but he still has some style…….

*where, incidentally, is the famous Swedish commitment to Free-Love I remember from my days over there….?

Sports Illustrated. 2010 Swimsuit edition. Today. With Brooklyn Decker:

More HERE. You pervs.

Stop your whining. I have been very busy. You don’t think the Afghanistan surge was his idea do you?

In partial recompense, look at these:

This lady is called Denise Milani and she can “decorate my Christmas tree” anytime….

Geddit?!!

Oh no.

It’s Wednesday already.

A very bad experience with some imported absinthe, 35 feet of shock cord and an ex-Wehrmacht flamethrower has kept me out of the loop for the past couple of days. I am feeling a little shaky, so I am going to play it safe, this week. Here is the lovely and reliable Kelly Brook:

To be clear: This is last Friday’s post. If you need clarification as to how that can be, a full explanation is HERE.

Watch out for Morlocks.

I met Joakim Noah once, at a University of Florida faculty party (I get invited to these things ALL THE TIME by fascinated professors and feel I have to turn up every now and again. Now I think of it, that’s probably the reason that Joakim was there too). We spoke. His conversation was like my basketball (the occasional score but mostly inconsequential dribbling). I did come away with the impression that this young man would go far and I am, a few years on, being proved right.

Now a center for the Chicago Bulls, he splits his time between Florida and Chicago. When in Florida he likes to hang with beautiful women. He prefers them topless and in the ocean.

He has something of a Snoop look going on in these pics. If you want to see the entire NSFW (this puritan nation kills me) paparazzi shots click HERE.