rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

The news that Madonna’s African adoption has been denied is less than shocking to anyone who knows anything about the state of orphans in Africa. With orphanages full of former child soldiers, who have lived lives in which they have been  fed drugs and beer, abused and taught to kill on demand, Madge thought it would be appropriate to turn up in cammies and a pair of fucking paratrooper boots:

"What this family needs is a new RPG man......."

Apart from looking RIDICULOUS, her appearance provoked a Pavlovian response in the children, who took up fire positions as she entered the room and started to chant weird war songs. She was then offered some khat and an amulet that gives immunity from government bullets…….

Glamor Magazine is running an American Icons series in which B-Listers get to dress as somebody’s idea of  noteworthy individuals and have their picture taken.  I can’t pretend I understand the thought processes of the creative team. They’ve got Emma Stone as the (fictional) Carrie Bradshaw, Hayden Panettiere as Amelia Earhart, Emma Roberts as Audrey Hepburn, and bizarrely, Alicia Keyes as Michelle Obama.

Our own, best beloved, Lindsay Lohan is dressed as Madonna. The early eighties version, I am relieved to announce:

Absent: disfiguring mole. Present: larger rack.

Hmmmmm.

I am not sure about this one……

It’s monkeying with my mind.

Apparently Madonna wore millions of dollars worth of jewelry at the Oscars, Sunday. OK! Magazine reports that the singer was festooned (good word) with “ice” for the ceremony and her own hosted after-party. OK! goes for a “recession” angle for the story.

Not as haggard as usual. But quite hairy.

Apparently, the Material Girl (see what I did there?) wore:

– A black and white diamond chain with 500 carats of the shiny stones
 (here)
– A diamond bangle with 25 carats of diamonds and platinum
 (here)
– An onyx and diamond bracelet with 50 carats of diamonds  
(here)
– A pair of diamond pear shape earrings of 20 carats each
 (here and here)
– A square diamond and onyx ring

 (here)

Of course sort of thing pales into insignificance compared to the baubles I recently bestowed upon my Regular Thing. Edible jewelery is not just for kids, anymore…….

Divorce is not a laughing matter, particularly where kids are involved, probably. That said, the war of words between Madonna and Guy Ritchie is already, a mere week into the whole deal, bordering on the hysterically funny.

Bearing in mind that Madonna has an enormous multi-roled corporation behind her, with legions of attorneys and PR flacks, all interested in doing the dirty on Ritchie, it is, so far, a remarkably even battle. For example, when the Madonna camp leaks that she considers Ritchie  ‘unspiritual’ he counters by saying he thinks she is “old, fat, ugly and wrinkled”.

Us Weekly reports it like this:

Madonna and Guy Ritchie‘s marriage was plagued by physical and emotional abuse in recent years………

“She would taunt Guy, saying, ‘I should have married someone like me: strong, hot-blooded, intelligent, ambitious, spiritual,'” reveals a Ritchie source. “Their fights would often get heated. A few times Madonna slapped him or poked him.”

His reaction? “Guy called her old, fat, ugly and wrinkled and said that she was stupid and couldn’t sing,” another Madonna pal tells Us.

Ha!

Also, it appears Ritchie has wasted no time at all getting his self some strange, in the form of actress Kelly Reilly. Please compare and contrast:

Not bad for her age

Not bad at all.

You see, I could have used that picture of Madonna looking all HAGGARD that’s been doing the rounds, lately. The one with her very hairy daughter in tow. But I didn’t. It’s not about manipulating the reader. It’s about letting members of the rivercityvibe community make up their own minds…….

There. I’ve said it.

You’d be forgiven for thinking NOTHING happened yesterday. Technically, that is true. In fact, only one thing was brought to my attention that would be of interest to rivercityvibe readers,  but I was asleep at the wheel.

I’m fallible, you see. Contrary to public opinion.

Now I am awake and amused enough to run this. I include it now for reasons of completeness. Here is how Blue Jay fans mercilessly rag-dolled A Rod around the park in September:

Stare him down.......

Got him!

If any of our readers know these guys, I’d like to send them some 120 IPA. Let me know.

I know Seth’s already carried this. How do you think I got it? Will I ever get out from under his shadow……?

It seems Madonna really is giving Guy Ritchie the Spanish Archer.

(El Bow)

(Ha ha)

Principally, it seems, because she can no longer stick living in England, where it is cold and miserable (see previous post for an alternative, Madge). Also, of course, because she has been nailing Alex Rodriguez behind Ritchie’s back. It turns out Madonna is a slut.

On that bombshell, I’d like to leave you with a picture of the object of A Rod’s desire:

[As an aside, apparently, Lenny Kravitz is giving  the former Mrs. Rodriguez the good news, these days. You should know tha Bones and Kravitz  do not see eye to eye since he literally ruined Vanessa Paradis. ]