rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Oh dear. Somebody’s been naughty. This post relates to the mischievous activities of First Coast High School students Ryan Ortagus, 19; Jacob Nolan, 18; and a 17-year-old whose name is unavailable for some legal reason that makes no sense at all.

These “criminals” (the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office (JSO) are throwing the book at them) committed two heinous crimes: They padlocked their school gates shut one night so that, in the morning, nobody could enter,  and they rearranged the message board outside the school to read:

“GO ORAL CUNTS”

I am sure you agree with me. These kids are not criminals.

They are heroes.

It is with more than a little vicarious pride that I announce that this story has resulted in Jacksonville, Florida being featured on the AWESOME Smoking Gun Website. My favorite bit is where they say:

In an update on his MySpace page, Nolan last night listed his mood as “scared,” and reported that he “spent the day at jail. definitely somewhere i never wanna go again. probably wont graduate, gonna have to pay a ton of money, court june 2nd.”

The entire police report is HERE.

Is anyone else saddened that high-spirits are not recognized as partial mitigation these days?

(Go oral cunts! Lag!)

Channel 4 has reported that JSO is using the RICO law to close down a notorious westside gang allegedly responsible for 204 felonies and 201 misdemeanors since 2004. These guys were clearly bad people – 21 firearms were recovered in the round-up – but after I saw them, I kind of felt bad. They look like the kind of guys Simon Cowell might be promoting. Or, in an earlier era, Stock, Aitken and Waterman. They even have a pop-sounding gang-name – the Certified Head Bustas!

You know, there’s the zany one, the quiet one, the possibly gay one, the one who dances, the one with the celebrity girlfriend. And as far as that one guy on the right’s T-shirt is concerned, I don’t know what a BEEZEE is, but if they’re free, I want one.

I have railed on crime in Jacksonville on rivercityvibe before. Like many of our citizens I would like to see the number of Police-involved shootings decrease, but not at the expense of an increase in other shootings- the ones with no law enforcement involved. I am convinced that some of the manpower issues the JSO have can be solved through outsourcing. Basically, what Jacksonville needs is some kind of costumed super hero. Maybe like this guy:

The gentleman above is Dark Guardian (DG) and he is one of the increasing number of real-life superheroes taking the fight to the criminals and evil-doers of their hometowns. Most are members of local “Justice League”-type groups and nearly all are members of the unbelievably awesome World Superhero Registry. Here is one of the coolest, on patrol in Cincinnati. I give you Shadowhare:

Why don’t we have one? I’m too dangerous. My skills are too extreme and it wouldn’t be fair on the bad guys. But surely there’s someone who could step up to the plate and begin costumed patrols of the Northside.

He could be called “Jaguar…..!”

Cometh the moment, cometh the man (or woman. Women could do it too). If such a hero exists in our river city, I wish them the very best of luck………….

Do you know a Jacksonville superhero? Please email of you do. (Let’s be clear, here. I’m talking about crimefighters. Don’t waste my time with people who’ve overcome adversity, your mom, or your third grade teacher…….)

Police-involved-shootings are close to being the “brand essence” of Jacksonville. Apparently, we’ve only had two so far today. Just the two. I like to think of it as “a pair” of police-involved-shootings. It’s 11.30 am. Let’s see if the JSO can set a record by nightfall.

Reach for the sky, Jacksonville!

I am very open to the concept that every one of the criminals gunned down over the last 12 months deserved it, by the way. Its less a deal about the five-oh and more a measure of the dire crime situation here. Also, I REALLY like to mock authority. I regard it as healthy. Like loving animals and being cynical about the media (I feel that authoring a self-help book is in my future…..)

BTW, while we’re taking a turn to negative town, can someone please tell me when this freak cold weather is due to depart. I am sick of it. It is like Greenland out there.

I usually keep an upbeat tone to my posts about our great city, something that is not difficult. Our climate, our wonderful river and beach life, and our culturally pivotal geography, sandwiched as we are between South Georgia and the rest of Florida, allows us a quality of life that many envy. That said,  I need to touch on, for a moment, something not too awesome. Our AMAZING crime situation.

There were two so-called police involved shootings last night. One of the them  started in 32210. I heard the sirens and my dog went bananas (was it “Little Saigon” that was robbed? I don’t know yet.)  The po pos came under fire and took down two miscreants – shot them dead. These are the 26th and 27th police involved shootings this year. 14 baddies have been killed and four police officers shot. It’s like fucking Deadwood out there.

Jacksonville is worse.

Apparently, according to the apologists, the ridiculous number of shootings is a product of the fact that we have an above average number of gangstas because we sit at the intersection of major drug-running routes, up I 95 and East/West on I 10. We are also vulnerable to go-fast boats from the sea.

Whatever the excuse, it is getting out of hand. I am going to have to hire YET MORE armed guards for Bones’ hideout (with the associated uniform costs), position some more Claymore mines (“Front towards meth-head”) and, for my personal protection I will be investing in the concealed-carry version of this.