rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Oh dear. Somebody’s been naughty. This post relates to the mischievous activities of First Coast High School students Ryan Ortagus, 19; Jacob Nolan, 18; and a 17-year-old whose name is unavailable for some legal reason that makes no sense at all.

These “criminals” (the Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office (JSO) are throwing the book at them) committed two heinous crimes: They padlocked their school gates shut one night so that, in the morning, nobody could enter,  and they rearranged the message board outside the school to read:

“GO ORAL CUNTS”

I am sure you agree with me. These kids are not criminals.

They are heroes.

It is with more than a little vicarious pride that I announce that this story has resulted in Jacksonville, Florida being featured on the AWESOME Smoking Gun Website. My favorite bit is where they say:

In an update on his MySpace page, Nolan last night listed his mood as “scared,” and reported that he “spent the day at jail. definitely somewhere i never wanna go again. probably wont graduate, gonna have to pay a ton of money, court june 2nd.”

The entire police report is HERE.

Is anyone else saddened that high-spirits are not recognized as partial mitigation these days?

(Go oral cunts! Lag!)

I have railed on crime in Jacksonville on rivercityvibe before. Like many of our citizens I would like to see the number of Police-involved shootings decrease, but not at the expense of an increase in other shootings- the ones with no law enforcement involved. I am convinced that some of the manpower issues the JSO have can be solved through outsourcing. Basically, what Jacksonville needs is some kind of costumed super hero. Maybe like this guy:

The gentleman above is Dark Guardian (DG) and he is one of the increasing number of real-life superheroes taking the fight to the criminals and evil-doers of their hometowns. Most are members of local “Justice League”-type groups and nearly all are members of the unbelievably awesome World Superhero Registry. Here is one of the coolest, on patrol in Cincinnati. I give you Shadowhare:

Why don’t we have one? I’m too dangerous. My skills are too extreme and it wouldn’t be fair on the bad guys. But surely there’s someone who could step up to the plate and begin costumed patrols of the Northside.

He could be called “Jaguar…..!”

Cometh the moment, cometh the man (or woman. Women could do it too). If such a hero exists in our river city, I wish them the very best of luck………….

Do you know a Jacksonville superhero? Please email of you do. (Let’s be clear, here. I’m talking about crimefighters. Don’t waste my time with people who’ve overcome adversity, your mom, or your third grade teacher…….)

I am excited beyond belief about the Boat Show, this weekend. I wll be covering it throughout, except for a portion of Saturday morning which will be dedicated to mocking the escape artist at the Riverside Arts Market. I will be judging the Boat Show Bikini Contest in an unofficial capacity, tomorrow. See you there?

I have only three words to describe what the weekend is going to be like. Pretty. Fucking. Huge.

Just how diligent can we expect this guy to be…..?

I’m Joe Bones, and I approve this message.

Various sources report that stills said to be taken from a celebrity sex tape starring Britters (taped during that period in which she went doolally and absconded to Mexico in a pink wig with a scumbag paparazzi) were made exclusively available yesterday on the 97.9 Kiss FM Jacksonville website. I saw them last night, but cannot find them on the site now. They have now become available widely on other sites though they still bear the 97.9 logo. Google it if you are interested. I could link to them, but I am going to take a rare stand on moral grounds.

Am I alone in wanting all this madness to end? I wish that we could turn back the clock. Bring the wheels of time to a stop. Back to a time, when life was so much better:

Remember this girl?

Did anyone spot the Johnny Hates Jazz lyrics above?

If you did, you should be ashamed. They were beyond crap.

The nation’s favorite naval aviator/AARP member is in Jacksonville for the day. Apparently, nobody noticed

Did you know that during his five years in captivity in North Vietnam, he was home-based here? That he came home to Jacksonville, when he was released? That his family was here throughout the war? (I am talking about his old family, centered on his old wife, not the new family, centered on the new hot (once…) millionairess he married subsequently……)

You didn’t know that? You do now.

John McCain arrives at Whitey's Fish Camp

Unfortunately, the more interesting side of the ticket is not due here for a while. Rest assured, I shall be there when she comes a-calling.

If there is one person in Jacksonville who I would term, after the Australian fashion, a “dead-set legend,” it would be the Jags Dog Man (JDM). Every day, come rain-or-shine, he is out there, opposite Bank of America, at Roosevelt Mall, hawking his delicious hot dogs. He usually poles up around 12 pm (though he did say, that if he wanted to make money he’d be better to turn-up at 11 am. He’s such a legend, he CAN”T BE BOTHERED!). His dogs range from standard dollar ball-park franks, right through to some specialized Italian sausage (“flown in from Naples by a buddy of mine…..”) which retail for plenty and the silver-tongued devil always talks me into……

Solar powered since 1996.......

Ask the JDM about himself. He is an interesting guy. (get him to tell you about the time when a Buddhist monk asked if he would “make him one with everything……..”).

A couple of saucy little jokes in there, JDM.......

I first met the legend at a posh party in Ortega. He was down at the bottom of the garden, doling out high-end sausage to girls in summer dresses and boob jobs. We hit it off. Like I say, he’s an interesting guy, the JDM.

If you want something decent to eat at your next party, give him a call 904 534 7461. He owns jagdog.com, too, but believes the world is not ready for his type of web content just yet.