Archive for the ‘Bones Rule # 1’ tag

In crime, timing matters…….   no comments

Posted at 9:58 am in Assclown of the Week

I could link this headline in some “ohhhhh, so  clever, you are…” way to the fact that I have not posted for a while. I’ve been busy. First it was Tunisia, then Egypt, then Libya and just as I thought everything had calmed down there was Japan! (By the way, don’t believe the hype. The chance of significant radioactive leakage has to be very slim, yet the risk of a few people  dying seems to have pushed the 2400 who actually did die off the front pages….. I guess the media  considers massive earthquake/tsunami mundane, next to radiological disaster. Remarkable).

Anyway, back to the timing of criminal acts. If you are going to attack someone with a pair of scissors while having your haircut, do it before, or after. Or you’re gonna look a fool in your mugshot:

Modernizing: Mide-seventies to Mid-Eighties

Modernizing: Mid-Seventies to Mid-Eighties

I harvested this from the fertile fields of The Smoking Gun. If ever there was a site which provided cast-iron proof in support of  Bones Rule #1

I have also qualified this guy  for Assclown of the Week.

Written by Joe Bones on March 15th, 2011

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That one guy from Stark County….   no comments

Posted at 11:46 am in rivercityvibe

I nearly broke this news, but after an afternoon drinking an opaque liquid from a smoky bottle that a limbless friend brought back from Dushanbe, I forgot about it completely for four days.

So it’s old, now.

Like your sexual technique.

Here he is, Phil Davison, Stark County (wherethat?) Treasurer wannabe, getting enthused:

He has a lot of academic qualifications. And he REALLY wants to be Treasurer. But I love it when he muffs his “most favorite quote”. The one that Albert Einstein “issued”…….

Keeping Children Safe on Planet Florida…..   1 comment

Posted at 12:22 pm in Planet Florida

This must be an elaborate practical joke.

If not it is probably one of the best examples of Bones Rule # 1 – which states, as you will no doubt have been taught in metaphysics class, that fact is always and without exception, funnier than fiction (F>f=Fn).

It appears that the Bomb Squad down in Orlando blew up a stuffed animal in front of Waterbridge Elementary School. The footage is unbelievable. Like a hilarious spoof.

When did we become this nation of gung-ho chickenshits? Do you think this whole lockdown and destruction of a treasured  toy animal was good for the kids? Safety first, judgement second? Or do we reckon they were terrified and will grow up to be scared of muslims?

The only good thing to come out of it is this:

Written by Joe Bones on September 10th, 2010

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Bones to probe hot Russian spy…….   no comments

Posted at 8:55 am in rivercityvibe

Not really. I just love to use the word probe in relation to hot babes.

Also, for a Russian, this girl is really not that hot. Last time I was in Novosibirsk, I had constant heart-ache from the drop-dead gorgeous girls that pass for the service industry there. And in Yekaterinburg they have female bus-boys who I would start a nuclear war for…. Once you cross the Urals the standard goes UP, if anything. At the time the tragedy was that I was forced to keep them at bay with a shitty stick. I think they were after my 501s but I am not sure…..

Anyway, here is “kinky” Russian spy Anna Chapman photographing a microdot of the Death Star Plans she had secreted under her left boob:

Fullscreen capture 762010 80341 AM

In what I can only describe as a bizarre twist in this story, the delusional chunky-monkey Kelly Osbourne had this to say:

…… Singer-actress Kelly Osbourne, the daughter of rocker Ozzy who previously appeared in films such as “The Town That Boars Me,” said she hopes to play the accused spy in a big-screen adaptation of the scandal if one is made.

“I am absolutely intrigued by the Russian spy story in the news at the moment,” Osbourne, 25, told Closer magazine. “I want to play the glamorous red-haired one, Anna Chapman, who everyone’s talking about.”

It would not surprise me in the slightest. Bones Rule #1 in play.

This counts as Something for the Weekend, by the way.

Reporting Catholic Sex Scandals……..   no comments

Posted at 10:59 am in Jacksonville Subcultures

Reporting the Catholic Church pedophile scandal falls to a member of the press with a peculiarly unsuitable name….


Love it. A fine example of Bones Rule # 1 in action.

Written by Joe Bones on March 26th, 2010

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Separated at Birth: US Navy and Egyptian Special Police   2 comments

Posted at 6:41 pm in rivercityvibe

Out for a run the other day, I spied the unmistakable image of three uniformed members of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard coming toward me. Naturally I sought hard target cover and sounded my personal locator alarm, knowing that the QRF at Bones HQ would be crashed out. If I was going to have to conduct a fighting withdrawal on the streets of my own home town, I wanted my Ukrainian bodyguards in intimate support. “Bring the ’40“, I whispered into my collar mike….

As the enemy moved toward me it became increasingly obvious that I was mistaken. In fact, the closer they got the more sure I was that they were not Iranian Revolutionary Guard. Neither were they Egyptian Special Police (my second guess). In fact I was slowly coming to the horrifying conclusion that these guys were not third world paramilitaries at all. Could they be Americans?

Then a comforting thought struck me….. “Halloween costumes!”  I extracted myself from my fire position with as much dignity as I could and moved towards the guys in question, smiling.

Fuck me, readers – they only turned out to be members of the US Navy!

blue camo

Not these fellows, after all.

Great guys they were (anyone who has a broad international experience knows we should go down on our knees to thank serving sailors for what they do for us). They sheepishly explained that the Pentagon, in its Post-Rumsfeldian wisdom, had decreed a new working dress for the Navy and had decided it should be a Disruptive Pattern Material (DPM) colored blue….

You know, in case you wanted to hide behind some waves…….. or in the sky, perhaps.

Here is a picture of the new look US Navy:

navy nwu 800

Relax. They're on our side

There really is very little difference. I CANNOT wait for them to bring out more colors (you know it will happen – Bones Rule # 1). I have a feeling this is a reaction to the fashion and celebrity culture that we live in (the one I deliberately perpetuate for laughs….) It does not seem very military, I’ll say that.

Perhaps officers of field rank and above could be permitted to wear mauve?

Stallone Illustrates Bones’ Rule # 1……   1 comment

Posted at 8:44 am in rivercityvibe

I know you know about Bones’ Rule #3, which states that “Everyone is outraged about everything, all the time”, but you may be less familiar with the Big One: Bones’ Rule # 1.

Bones’ Rule # 1 is “Fact is always funnier than fiction. Always.” As I have noted before, if you have an eye for the ridiculous, you can spend a life in state of mirth (which is similar to a state of grace, but with more chance of accidental urine discharge…….). This is how I spend my life folks. I can recommend it.

The latest thing I have found that plays to this is this picture of Sylvester Stallone showing his young daughters the antiquities of Rome.


I mean, it is him, right….?

What are the chances that the Romans had their own version of Sly, wandering around Pompeii, perhaps, dangerously eyeing the volcano…. “if tha’ volcano goes up, I’ll give it a war you won’t believe……..”

Written by Joe Bones on April 2nd, 2009

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