rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I went to see Star Trek at Orange Park on Sunday. I had taken the precaution of slowly medicating myself with fine liquors and other boozes during the course of the day. I suspected the movie would be watch-able, but I didn’t want to take any chances.

My regular thing drove and we (as always) arrived early. I was still thirsty, so we went in to something called a “TGI Friday” – the kind of hellhole that I would normally view with considerable disdain, but as I said, I was not entirely sober. We were served cheap beers by a really, really tall bartender called Maria, with a pierced lip and pig tails. She was very nice and I suggested she do some modeling. We even compared leg lengths (at 6’2″ I was an inch taller than her, but she has 3 inch longer legs than me. Go figure? My regular thing is now calling me “Stumpy”).

Anyway, the movie theater was packed. The movie itself was actually excellent. It turned out that my regular thing had smuggled in booze, too. Great. That is, basically, why she is my regular thing. Stuff like that. And her awesome rack. So here is a clip showing the first time Kirk meets “Bones” McCoy. Cast aside your prejudices and go and see it. Please don’t wear any kind of costume, though. Seriously:

Star Trek (2009): Kirk Meets McCoy

(*needless to say, my phaser was decidedly not on stun and I had a couple of photon torpedoes on back-up. It is dangerous there)

I am going to see Watchmen in Orange Park on Friday. I don’t know if it will be awesome or utterly worthless.  You see, I CANNOT get past the fact that one of the superheroes is dressed as an owl.

Hoo! hoo!

Bottom right. See what I mean?

That said, I think some of these Hollywood costume whizz-kids can do pretty much anything and make it look cool, these days (apart from Batman’s nipples in the appalling Batman and Robin. That was an error). Here’s the Watchmen trailer to help us think this through (owl alert at 1.33):

I’ll let you know how it goes – if I survive AMC Orange Park. It would not surprise me one iota if I were accidentally caught up in a police-involved shooting.

I have had a number of emails from people claiming that I am a little bit hard on Germans. I am at a loss as to how you should think this – I do pretty much nothing apart from post pics of INSANELY hot women of German extraction. How can that be mean?

It may have been my references to Simon Weisenthal’s “outstanding projects”, mostly resident in South America, which upset most people. Anyway, I am going to make it up to mein Deutsch freunde, by speaking of Tom Cruise’s latest movie Valkyrie. I am going to see it tonight, parking-lot crime permitting, at AMC Orange Park

It tells the story of the plot by members of the German Army (Heer) to assassinate Hitler and bring to an end the Second World War. It should be feel-good for Germans – a WWII movie in which they are the good guys. Ironically, in this one, as history affirms, they lose anyway.  Here’s the trailer:

It looks awesome, but apparently had a less than stellar opening weekend. Some attribute this to the vicious background feud that has been going on between Tom Cruise and Sumner Redstone. You know how you never hear anything good about Tom Cruise these days? That’s Sumner Redstone’s fault. Even stand-out performances like Cruise’s part in Tropic Thunder barely got a positive mention in the press. That’s Sumner Redstone’s sophisticated communications machine manipulating public opinion to knock Cruise’s reputation. I have my own advanced theory on this, and am waiting for only another couple of pieces to fall into place before I reveal it to the world.

As always, y’all will be the first to know.

Tschuss!

I went to see the Quantum of Solace at AMC Orange Park on Friday. My buddy and I made it in and out of the theater unscathed through a carefully practiced scheme of pairs fire-and-maneuver. It turned out we did not need the cover of smoke, on this occasion. The movie was awesome (it grossed $70 m over the weekend), but there was an added bonus – the new Star Trek trailer.

I have not, previously, had any truck with the Trekkie community. My preferred attitude toward them is “disdain” mixed with “amazement”. I have to say though, the new movie (another re-set/prequel I’m afraid) actually looks great, in conception and execution.

Some public spirited-geek-with-a-camera, has posted this bootleg version, online:

Pretty good, hey?

I hope you liked the fact that I repeated the statement in the headline for this post twice. I was attempting to add enhanced geek-appeal by making it more like an announcement on a starship’s speaker system.  If I could have made it flash red I would have.

Battle stations!

I went to see RocknRolla this weekend, primarily to express support for Guy Ritchie in his hilarious divorce battle with Madonna. It is what critics since the Italian Job have referred to as a ‘British crime caper.’ (Indeed that is the only use of the word ‘caper’ you will see these days. The word has become solely associated with violent but funny movies that claim to be about the London underworld. It’s true. I’ve checked).

The bottom line is, if you liked Snatch and Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, you’ll like this –  I did. There are some interesting elements to it. The role of a Russian oligarch, clearly based on Roman Abramovich (right down to the soccer stadium offices) was a nice touch. I liked his use of ex-Russian military hardmen who spend their downtime comparing wounds gained fighting in Chechnya. They pursue the likable protagonists Terminator-style, providing some of the most unpleasant violence of the movie and some of the best laughs.

Great characters abound. As in most of his movies Ritchie manages to sketch them out in a pretty short space of time.  In the running for the best is the character of Johnny Quidd a crack-head rock star who has a reputation for consistently faking his own death (a reputation Bones once shared. But that’s for another time…..)

Good movie. Go see it. Remember, if visiting AMC Orange Park, use the buddy-system and be prepared to break down into pairs fire-and-maneuver at a moment’s notice….

Much the same as in Johnny Drama’s 90210 condo, Joe Bones’ 32210 home sports a copy of Variety on the coffee table. I find it useful for keeping up with the activities of the various movers and shakers out west and I trust their movie reviews which have an ‘insider’ feel to them.

Variety’s review of Oliver Stone’s “W.” is out today and although not what you would call glowing, it whets the appetite for what is, clearly, going to be a HILARIOUS treatment of our President’s eight-years at the helm.

Remember, this is an Oliver Stone movie. Can we say Platoon? Natural Born Killers? Born of the Fourth of July? The fucking Doors?!   It cannot be dismissed the way we routinely dismiss the lard-ass Moore‘s lame propaganda efforts. Variety says:

Opening with a post-9/11 cabinet meeting in the Oval Office in which the phrase “axis of evil” was concocted, then jumping back in time to begin a procession of key events in the life of a privileged party boy with something to prove, Stone and his “Wall Street” scenarist Stanley Weiser position the film, above all, as a father-son story. Long uncertain what his role in life is meant to be, the young George W. is severely chastised by his patrician father for his wayward behavior — “What do you think you are, a Kennedy?,” blares George Sr. (James Cromwell) after one of his son’s drunken escapades — but is nonetheless always let off the hook and given another chance by his father…..

In case you can’t tell, I am really looking forward to this. Apparently Richard Dreyfuss plays Dick Cheney to a ‘T’. Her’s the trailer:

Go and see it. It is out October 17, 2008. If you are going to see it at AMC Orange Park, please take the usual precautions.

Very good news. The sequel to the OUTSTANDING James Bond movie Casino Royale is due for release in early November….

Hang on……. What’s this bullshit?

They’re releasing Quantum of Solace in Central America, before they release it here? Oman gets to see it before the US? The fucking RUSSIANS, who for forty years were Bond’s principal ADVERSARIES, get to see it a FULL WEEK  before we do?

Nice move, United Artists. You’ll be hearing from me…..

In the meantime, here is the latest trailer:

At this stage it would not surprise me if Mrs. Broccoli were to personally airdrop an advance copy into the Federally Administered Tribal Areas addressed to Mr. O. B. Laden.

[By the way, if, like me, you are planning to see this movie at the AMC Orange Park, may I suggest you go along armed like Bond? It is like Beirut in ’84 there, these days…..]