rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

This morning I put in a rare appearance at my reserve gym. My main gym caters to super-models and rivercityvibe types. This mix is leavened by a number of guys who “like the musicals” and don’t care who knows it. They like rivercityvibe too, they tell me.

My reserve gym, on the other hand, caters mainly to the elderly*.

I went there because it was en route to a covert hand-off with one of my Westside assets. Its running machines overlook a pool. (Incidentally, I use a running machine to combat workout-killing ADHD through flashing lights and constant data input. You should try it… Ruprecht….). Anyways, yesterday the pool was the setting for a Senior Womens’ Aquarobics class.

The horror.

In an effort to save myself from a sure failed workout, I concentrated hard on my tunes. They were so unbelievably awesome that I achieved an almost transcendental state. The world ceased to exist and I floated in my own mind…. It was unreal. When I got to that one song, Drops of Jupiter, by Train, I was jolted back to reality by nonsense lyrics worthy of Edward Lear. I looked down at the running machine and noticed I was running SO FAST that it was not able to record my pace! It had also begun to smoke a little.

See what I mean. Utter nonsense. Works though, right? Here is my playlist. Please, Let’s not start the This Time argument again. It’s the best running song ever. Only people who have never run to it or aren’t running fast enough disagree. Which is nearly everyone:

This Time (The Verve) Best running song ever.
Help the Aged (Pulp) LAG!!!!!!
One More Day (Cast of Les Miserables)
Stacy’s Mom (Fountains of Wayne)
She’s a Star (James)
Californication (RHCP)
Original Pirate Material (The Streets)
Block Rocking Beats (The Chemical Brothers)
Drops of Jupiter (Train)
Read my Mind (The Killers)
Being Boring (Pet Shop Boys)
By the Rivers of Babylon (Boney M)
Human (The Killers)

For our hipster readers, I am sorry there are no tunes by Ringpiece or Frump. They are not good to run to.

*Planet Florida

A crack team of forensic investigators and criminal profilers from RAP has been reassigned from their duties enforcing the strict no-double-glazing laws (“not authentic”) and hunting down ne’er-do-wells who think adding guttering to their houses might help with wood-rot (“the fools!”). The new assignment is to investigate a crime scene of such unbelievable depravity, it makes you question your faith in Jesus:

Remember that Curb your Enthusiasm episode in which Larry David inadvertently misspells “aunt” in his wife’s aunt’s obituary? With Banksy-fever sweeping Jacksonville, there’s an opportunity here for a graffittoid…..

Seriously, though, stop stealing the flowers. I don’t care how fancy lookin’ they make your crack den.

Okay, the whole country music thing (below) has led to accusations of a ‘lack of focus’ at Bones HQ. Well it’s not true. I had this planned all along:

I haven’t even bothered to look up her name. THAT’S how much I love America.

Bones out.

It’s that time of year when we celebrate the momentous occasion when a group of rich, aristocratic slave-owners got together and decided that they didn’t want to pay their taxes anymore. From such inauspicious beginnings, a truly amazing thing evolved. God bless America.

Here’s that one guy with the hair, who puts into words better than I ever could*, what matters at this time of year:

I am going to spend some time today thinking of those known personally to me, fighting abroad for the free world, and those less fortunate than us with whom we share this land.

Then I am going to drink a dozen Miller Lites and go skinny dipping. It’s the American way. And I love it.

(* not really. As if.)

Okay. We are in experimental mode. I am blogging this on my phone while receiving special favors from a very, very naughty girl.*

This amazingly hot babe is none other than Jarah Mariano. she’s been crying out for a coveted position on SFTW. I am delighted to make her dream come true:

Bikinigirlstop (awesome site) tells us:

Mariano is an American fashion model. Jarah Mariano is best known for her appearances in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions for the years 2008 and 2009. Jarah-Evelyn Makalapua Mariano is her complete name and she is of Hawaiian and Korean descent. Jarah Mariano was born in Hawaii but soon she moved to California with her family.

The Koreans are sending us stuff like this and we can’t turn a blind eye to a piddling nuclear program?

Come ON, America!

(*All American Paul Revere Memorial Super Chilli-Dog (with staff discount ssssshhh!!))

It was me, I think, who came up with the awesome bon mot “men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses”. At the time, I was referring to men like you and me – rivercityvibe men. Most others, I reasoned, have to make do with whatever they can get. Well, I’ve changed my mind.

As I have grown older (or as my publicist might put it, “matured”), I have experienced much that is new and now fervently believe that rivercityvibe men are PRECISELY the type to make passes at girls who wear glasses.

You see it takes a certain vibe-style self-confidence to overlook myopia, short-sightedness, long-sightedness, near-blindness etc. and glimpse the beauty within. Added to which, it takes a certain type of girl in this day and age, to opt out of the global Lasic, contact lenses socio-industrial conspiracy. A type we like. A confident type. Probably a type that smokes. A type that is racy. A type that “goes” a bit….

Anyway, that’s the reasoning behind my change of heart. That and this picture of The Fox:

She looks like a young, hot, tattooed Nana Mouskouri……

Oh dear.

The largest circulation English language daily newspaper in the entire world. The Sun (UK) is running a story about a Jacksonville mother who let her baby play with her bong, then posted a picture online.

It looks like we’re getting the international profile the Chamber wants!

More international coverage HERE.

Way to go Jax!

Numbnuts.

The best place to watch the World Cup in Jacksonville is Lillians on Roosevelt. It shows English Premier League games all season so already has a hardcore of soccer fans, most of who appear to be angry little Scotsmen, ripe for taunting. I’ll see you there for the game against Ghana, Saturday 2 pm.

In the meantime, check out this slice of design awesome from the Dutch Football Federation:

Why do they do that, the soccer players? With their shirts, I mean?

Strange.

Kim Kardashian is the gift that keeps on giving, first-time visitor-wise. Whenever she is featured, hits on this site go through the roof. That’s not to say we are using her. Oh no. We value her for far more than her ability to satisfy our cravings for page views. Mainly, of course,  her smoking plus sized rack and ass.

…..and because i love y’all so much:

My mother recently described this blog as “puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense”

Can you believe that?

I think we’ve nailed it!

We are verging a little into hipster territory here (which I hate), but I thought it would be nice to plug Urban Jacksonville Weekly LIVE! which begins at the 5 Points Theatre (note spelling) in a mere hour or so. For the 88% of rivercityvibe readers who do not live in the River City (13th biggest city in the US. you heard it here first…..) Urban Jacksonville Weekly is a BRILLIANT podcast full of funny chat and interesting info (they once plugged us). It’s hosted by three hip young gunslingers who I will call The Beard, The Suit and The Oddpants. These sobriquets are expressions of love my dears….

Anyway, the original plan for the LIVE! Podcast involved showcasing the extended trailer from the new film by graffiti-sensation Banksy, the public-minded vandal who has made millions from his ‘street art’. Here’s a version of the trailer for Exit through the Gift Shop:

I respect Banksy, but I can take him or leave him. My interest in this movie is primarily in its soundtrack. The song at the beginning of the trailer is Tonight the Streets are Ours by the double-plus legend Richard Hawley.

He was only in Pulp. That’s all.

No big whoop.