Keeping Children Safe on Planet Florida…..  

Posted at 12:22 pm in Planet Florida | 1 Comment »

This must be an elaborate practical joke.

If not it is probably one of the best examples of Bones Rule # 1 – which states, as you will no doubt have been taught in metaphysics class, that fact is always and without exception, funnier than fiction (F>f=Fn).

It appears that the Bomb Squad down in Orlando blew up a stuffed animal in front of Waterbridge Elementary School. The footage is unbelievable. Like a hilarious spoof.

When did we become this nation of gung-ho chickenshits? Do you think this whole lockdown and destruction of a treasured  toy animal was good for the kids? Safety first, judgement second? Or do we reckon they were terrified and will grow up to be scared of muslims?

The only good thing to come out of it is this:

Written by Joe Bones on September 10th, 2010

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Ladies of DragonCon 2010 Part 1  

Posted at 10:24 am in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

It’s that  time again. I have tried to achieve a balance between “unusual” and “slutty/hot”. If in doubt I have skewed  selection toward the latter. These girls were complete legends to let me take pictures of them, particularly as whenever I did so, a bunch of portly, sweaty and usually bearded perverts would magically appear and start snapping up-skirt and boob pics. I mean, fair game, but a bit scary…….

A nice warmer into the bank

A nice warmer into the bank

Sexy/scary. Nice rack, too....

Sexy/scary. Nice rack, too....

Big tool joke alpha

Big tool joke alpha

Miss Whiplash has got into swords.... eek!

Miss Whiplash has got into swords.... eek!



Look out for Part 2 Coming soon. I have got like a thousand pics. It’s old for me, but I thought you might appreciate it……

Written by Joe Bones on September 10th, 2010

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The Dan Band……..  

Posted at 8:30 am in rivercityvibe | 1 Comment »

I watched The Hangover again last night. I was not one of the folks who raved about it, initially (I think Old School is much funnier). Maybe the reason why so many folks liked it is because they thought it was over-the-top outrageous.


I’ve seen worse.

Perhaps one day I’ll relate to you the sordid events at best friend Docs’ bachelor party, the subsequent lifetime ban from the BENELUX countries and the nightmare of recriminations that continue to this day. It’ll give you amateurs some perspective.

I digress. On third -watching, The hangover was pretty awesome, but this post is not about the movie, it’s about The Dan Band – the wedding band that appears at the end of the movie. The one that seems strangely familiar…..

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I’ll tell you where you’ve seen them before. As well as the Hangover they have appeared in Old School itself, The Terminal, and Starsky and Hutch. They are famous for their foul-mouthed versions of songs by female vocalists, particularly their classic version of Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart:

Good material. The common denominator between all of the films in which they have appeared is producer director Todd Phillips, who strikes me as the type of person you’d like to have a beer with. As a special treat I have arranged for this clip of the Dan Band performing the classic legwarmer classic Fame, by Irene Cara to be shown. It is from The Hangover, but does not appear in the movie. I’m spoiling you, I know. Check it out:

They are touring the US soon. Fingers crossed.

Written by Joe Bones on September 9th, 2010

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Is DragonCon just for geeks?  

Posted at 10:53 am in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

Errrr…. yes. Categorically.

I attended Dragon*Con again, having sworn I never would. In my own  geeky way, I had hopes of recapturing my number one position on The Google for “Ladies of DragonCon”. My experience was pretty much the same as last year. It’s like every hero and heroine of literature and film has stopped going to the gym, taken up donuts, and come to Atlanta.

It was actually pretty entertaining, providing you stayed well lubricated throughout (Peachtree Ale and Jaegermeister). There were some VERY naughty little minxes  wandering around dressed in pelts and the like, flaunting bodies that screamed defiance of the gym/donut rule. We shall be discussing them in another post shortly. In some detail.

And there were about a million of those white guys from Star Wars. Jedi’s or whatnot.

CIMG0013 (2)

I arranged that picture. Brilliant, non? As a taster, there were lots of ladies dressed similar to this:


I didn’t get it, but it cheered me up. Watch this space for more ladies of DragonCon.

Nanu nanu, Earthlets.

Why has nobody mentioned La Roux earlier?  

Posted at 10:37 am in rivercityvibe | 2 Comments »

I don’t get out much, since the fatwa. This has limited my exposure to popular culture a little so i have missed a couple of awesomes that I would usually have “early-adopted”, if you’ll excuse my corporate wankery.

One of these, drawn to my attention by one of my minions, is La Roux. Unbelieveably brilliant. My advice to you, young reader, is to put on your silk kimono, pour yourself a large-ish slug of electric-soup and sit back and listen to this. You might want to line up a flexible floozy of some sort for when its over.

The usual source mentions that La Roux is influenced by 80’s synthpop including Yazoo, Erasure, Depeche Mode, The Human League, Heaven 17 and Blancmange. That explains the awesome.

Unfortunately, it then goes on to quote La Roux herself talking about the band’s name in a way that makes her sound like a brainless fucking idiot:

To me, it means “red-haired one” – and it does, vaguely. It’s just a male version of “red-haired one”, which I think is even cooler, because I’m well androgynous anyway. So it kind of makes sense.

More than you do, you ninny. Preserve the mystery. Please.

It’s Pop Star 101. A week one/day one crow knows that……..

Written by Joe Bones on September 8th, 2010

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Something for the Weekend #47  

Posted at 4:27 pm in rivercityvibe | 1 Comment »

I have never posted Hilton before, principally because I consider her a vapid fuckwit with a face like a robber’s dog and a body like a undernourished teenage boy. That’s said, the picture below is hot off the press. As I have always maintained, noticeably larger jugs than usual will take a girl places. One of those places is SFTW…..


Written by Joe Bones on August 27th, 2010

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Might be good. Might be a washout…….  

Posted at 8:30 am in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

I’m kidding. It is going to be unbelieveably, crazily, brilliant. I have never been more sure of anything. I am talking about The Expendables, the new Sylvester Stallone high-action movie which co-stars Jason Statham, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Bruce Willis.

Did you get all that? All it is missing is Michael Caine. I can actually do without a smoking babe in a movie like this, but “Sly” has that covered. Welcome to rivercityvibe, Giselle Itié:


This was not supposed to be a babe post. She just snuck in, the naughty minx. It happens to me all the time. Anyway, back to talking about the the war film (which I love to do). A plot synopsis goes like this:

…an explosive action thriller about a group of hard-nosed mercenaries who are double-crossed during a treacherous mission. Approached by the shadowy Church to overthrow tyrannical South American dictator General Gaza (David Zayas) and restore… order to the troubled island country of Vilena, stoic soldier of fortune Barney Ross (Stallone) rounds up an unstoppable team that includes former SAS soldier and blade specialist Lee Christmas (Jason Statham); martial arts expert Yin (Jet Li); trigger-happy Hale Caesar (Terry Crews); cerebral demolitions expert Toll Road (Randy Couture); and haunted sniper Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), a combat veteran who never misses his mark.

The words “blade specialist” and “haunted sniper” have a special resonance for lovers of war films. They send a dog-whistle message and the message is “fucking awesome”. Here’s the trailer:

I read more of the plot summary. Apparently there is a rogue CIA operator, as well.


[One small concern. they seem to be wearing berets at one point in the trailer. Please let them them be shaped properly. Or they look shit. Bad berets nearly ruined The Wild Geese for me.]

Lesbian gangs want Lindsay Lohan  

Posted at 7:29 am in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

I don’t know much about lesbian gangs. I have been going to Kickbacks a lot, lately, in an effort to improve my knowledge, but all I have got out of it is The Fear and an appreciation for the numbing qualities of Sierra Nevada Harvest (awesome BTW).

Anyway, it appears that lesbian gangs run womens’ prisons. I know that sounds unbelieveably awesome, but apparently it is nothing like that one movie we passed around in grade school. Nothing like that at all.

Now that rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan is going to prison, said gangs are going crazy at the prospect of …. ahem….. meeting her. Her well known sapphic tendencies combined with a rack to die for and, let’s face it, her attractive crazy streak, combine to make her the best thing in the prison system since suicide netting.


The ever-reliable Sun, has this to say:

Lindsay’s A-list neighbors will be replaced with tough guards at the Lynwood correctional facility, as well as fearsome lesbian gangs desperate to get their hands on her.
(A source said) “Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan. Or if you get her to cry, the whole ward will laugh and people will love it – even the guards.”
“The gay inmates wear their shirts inside out to let others know they are available. So if Lindsay doesn’t want someone to grab her ass she’d better keep her shirt on straight. Women grab each other like animals when the guards aren’t looking. It’s disgusting.”

That shirts inside out things explains a lot, by the way….. I will be following Lindsay’s stay in prison in the most prurient fashion possible. You can be assured I’ll report it all back to you…….

Written by Joe Bones on July 14th, 2010

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Bones to probe hot Russian spy…….  

Posted at 8:55 am in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

Not really. I just love to use the word probe in relation to hot babes.

Also, for a Russian, this girl is really not that hot. Last time I was in Novosibirsk, I had constant heart-ache from the drop-dead gorgeous girls that pass for the service industry there. And in Yekaterinburg they have female bus-boys who I would start a nuclear war for…. Once you cross the Urals the standard goes UP, if anything. At the time the tragedy was that I was forced to keep them at bay with a shitty stick. I think they were after my 501s but I am not sure…..

Anyway, here is “kinky” Russian spy Anna Chapman photographing a microdot of the Death Star Plans she had secreted under her left boob:

Fullscreen capture 762010 80341 AM

In what I can only describe as a bizarre twist in this story, the delusional chunky-monkey Kelly Osbourne had this to say:

…… Singer-actress Kelly Osbourne, the daughter of rocker Ozzy who previously appeared in films such as “The Town That Boars Me,” said she hopes to play the accused spy in a big-screen adaptation of the scandal if one is made.

“I am absolutely intrigued by the Russian spy story in the news at the moment,” Osbourne, 25, told Closer magazine. “I want to play the glamorous red-haired one, Anna Chapman, who everyone’s talking about.”

It would not surprise me in the slightest. Bones Rule #1 in play.

This counts as Something for the Weekend, by the way.

Not Mother?  

Posted at 11:34 am in rivercityvibe | No Comments »

The reference to Ruprecht in my last post has caused an avalanche of email concerning the double-plus awesomeness of the Caine/Martin vehicle Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. What a movie. Right up there in Bones’ Top 6. A refresher:

Comedy brilliance. I am told that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel is the latest to adopt my practice of using the term “Ruprecht” as a synonym for “retard” – an altogether nastier, meaner and more spiteful term which he has used before to wide condemnation.

Not since I coined the phrase “coined the phrase” has one of my verbal-innovations caught on so quickly….