rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

I’m kidding. It is going to be unbelieveably, crazily, brilliant. I have never been more sure of anything. I am talking about The Expendables, the new Sylvester Stallone high-action movie which co-stars Jason Statham, Jet Li, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Mickey Rourke, Dolph Lundgren, Stone Cold Steve Austin, and Bruce Willis.

Did you get all that? All it is missing is Michael Caine. I can actually do without a smoking babe in a movie like this, but “Sly” has that covered. Welcome to rivercityvibe, Giselle Itié:

This was not supposed to be a babe post. She just snuck in, the naughty minx. It happens to me all the time. Anyway, back to talking about the the war film (which I love to do). A plot synopsis goes like this:

…an explosive action thriller about a group of hard-nosed mercenaries who are double-crossed during a treacherous mission. Approached by the shadowy Church to overthrow tyrannical South American dictator General Gaza (David Zayas) and restore… order to the troubled island country of Vilena, stoic soldier of fortune Barney Ross (Stallone) rounds up an unstoppable team that includes former SAS soldier and blade specialist Lee Christmas (Jason Statham); martial arts expert Yin (Jet Li); trigger-happy Hale Caesar (Terry Crews); cerebral demolitions expert Toll Road (Randy Couture); and haunted sniper Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), a combat veteran who never misses his mark.

The words “blade specialist” and “haunted sniper” have a special resonance for lovers of war films. They send a dog-whistle message and the message is “fucking awesome”. Here’s the trailer:

I read more of the plot summary. Apparently there is a rogue CIA operator, as well.

Jackpot!

[One small concern. they seem to be wearing berets at one point in the trailer. Please let them them be shaped properly. Or they look shit. Bad berets nearly ruined The Wild Geese for me.]

I don’t know much about lesbian gangs. I have been going to Kickbacks a lot, lately, in an effort to improve my knowledge, but all I have got out of it is The Fear and an appreciation for the numbing qualities of Sierra Nevada Harvest (awesome BTW).

Anyway, it appears that lesbian gangs run womens’ prisons. I know that sounds unbelieveably awesome, but apparently it is nothing like that one movie we passed around in grade school. Nothing like that at all.

Now that rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan is going to prison, said gangs are going crazy at the prospect of …. ahem….. meeting her. Her well known sapphic tendencies combined with a rack to die for and, let’s face it, her attractive crazy streak, combine to make her the best thing in the prison system since suicide netting.

The ever-reliable Sun, has this to say:

Lindsay’s A-list neighbors will be replaced with tough guards at the Lynwood correctional facility, as well as fearsome lesbian gangs desperate to get their hands on her.
(A source said) “Everyone will want a piece of her. It will make them famous if they hurt Lindsay Lohan. Or if you get her to cry, the whole ward will laugh and people will love it – even the guards.”
“The gay inmates wear their shirts inside out to let others know they are available. So if Lindsay doesn’t want someone to grab her ass she’d better keep her shirt on straight. Women grab each other like animals when the guards aren’t looking. It’s disgusting.”

That shirts inside out things explains a lot, by the way….. I will be following Lindsay’s stay in prison in the most prurient fashion possible. You can be assured I’ll report it all back to you…….

Not really. I just love to use the word probe in relation to hot babes.

Also, for a Russian, this girl is really not that hot. Last time I was in Novosibirsk, I had constant heart-ache from the drop-dead gorgeous girls that pass for the service industry there. And in Yekaterinburg they have female bus-boys who I would start a nuclear war for…. Once you cross the Urals the standard goes UP, if anything. At the time the tragedy was that I was forced to keep them at bay with a shitty stick. I think they were after my 501s but I am not sure…..

Anyway, here is “kinky” Russian spy Anna Chapman photographing a microdot of the Death Star Plans she had secreted under her left boob:

In what I can only describe as a bizarre twist in this story, the delusional chunky-monkey Kelly Osbourne had this to say:

…… Singer-actress Kelly Osbourne, the daughter of rocker Ozzy who previously appeared in films such as “The Town That Boars Me,” said she hopes to play the accused spy in a big-screen adaptation of the scandal if one is made.

“I am absolutely intrigued by the Russian spy story in the news at the moment,” Osbourne, 25, told Closer magazine. “I want to play the glamorous red-haired one, Anna Chapman, who everyone’s talking about.”

It would not surprise me in the slightest. Bones Rule #1 in play.

This counts as Something for the Weekend, by the way.

The reference to Ruprecht in my last post has caused an avalanche of email concerning the double-plus awesomeness of the Caine/Martin vehicle Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. What a movie. Right up there in Bones’ Top 6. A refresher:

Comedy brilliance. I am told that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel is the latest to adopt my practice of using the term “Ruprecht” as a synonym for “retard” – an altogether nastier, meaner and more spiteful term which he has used before to wide condemnation.

Not since I coined the phrase “coined the phrase” has one of my verbal-innovations caught on so quickly….

This morning I put in a rare appearance at my reserve gym. My main gym caters to super-models and rivercityvibe types. This mix is leavened by a number of guys who “like the musicals” and don’t care who knows it. They like rivercityvibe too, they tell me.

My reserve gym, on the other hand, caters mainly to the elderly*.

I went there because it was en route to a covert hand-off with one of my Westside assets. Its running machines overlook a pool. (Incidentally, I use a running machine to combat workout-killing ADHD through flashing lights and constant data input. You should try it… Ruprecht….). Anyways, yesterday the pool was the setting for a Senior Womens’ Aquarobics class.

The horror.

In an effort to save myself from a sure failed workout, I concentrated hard on my tunes. They were so unbelievably awesome that I achieved an almost transcendental state. The world ceased to exist and I floated in my own mind…. It was unreal. When I got to that one song, Drops of Jupiter, by Train, I was jolted back to reality by nonsense lyrics worthy of Edward Lear. I looked down at the running machine and noticed I was running SO FAST that it was not able to record my pace! It had also begun to smoke a little.

See what I mean. Utter nonsense. Works though, right? Here is my playlist. Please, Let’s not start the This Time argument again. It’s the best running song ever. Only people who have never run to it or aren’t running fast enough disagree. Which is nearly everyone:

This Time (The Verve) Best running song ever.
Help the Aged (Pulp) LAG!!!!!!
One More Day (Cast of Les Miserables)
Stacy’s Mom (Fountains of Wayne)
She’s a Star (James)
Californication (RHCP)
Original Pirate Material (The Streets)
Block Rocking Beats (The Chemical Brothers)
Drops of Jupiter (Train)
Read my Mind (The Killers)
Being Boring (Pet Shop Boys)
By the Rivers of Babylon (Boney M)
Human (The Killers)

For our hipster readers, I am sorry there are no tunes by Ringpiece or Frump. They are not good to run to.

*Planet Florida

A crack team of forensic investigators and criminal profilers from RAP has been reassigned from their duties enforcing the strict no-double-glazing laws (“not authentic”) and hunting down ne’er-do-wells who think adding guttering to their houses might help with wood-rot (“the fools!”). The new assignment is to investigate a crime scene of such unbelievable depravity, it makes you question your faith in Jesus:

Remember that Curb your Enthusiasm episode in which Larry David inadvertently misspells “aunt” in his wife’s aunt’s obituary? With Banksy-fever sweeping Jacksonville, there’s an opportunity here for a graffittoid…..

Seriously, though, stop stealing the flowers. I don’t care how fancy lookin’ they make your crack den.

Okay, the whole country music thing (below) has led to accusations of a ‘lack of focus’ at Bones HQ. Well it’s not true. I had this planned all along:

I haven’t even bothered to look up her name. THAT’S how much I love America.

Bones out.

It’s that time of year when we celebrate the momentous occasion when a group of rich, aristocratic slave-owners got together and decided that they didn’t want to pay their taxes anymore. From such inauspicious beginnings, a truly amazing thing evolved. God bless America.

Here’s that one guy with the hair, who puts into words better than I ever could*, what matters at this time of year:

I am going to spend some time today thinking of those known personally to me, fighting abroad for the free world, and those less fortunate than us with whom we share this land.

Then I am going to drink a dozen Miller Lites and go skinny dipping. It’s the American way. And I love it.

(* not really. As if.)

Okay. We are in experimental mode. I am blogging this on my phone while receiving special favors from a very, very naughty girl.*

This amazingly hot babe is none other than Jarah Mariano. she’s been crying out for a coveted position on SFTW. I am delighted to make her dream come true:

Bikinigirlstop (awesome site) tells us:

Mariano is an American fashion model. Jarah Mariano is best known for her appearances in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Editions for the years 2008 and 2009. Jarah-Evelyn Makalapua Mariano is her complete name and she is of Hawaiian and Korean descent. Jarah Mariano was born in Hawaii but soon she moved to California with her family.

The Koreans are sending us stuff like this and we can’t turn a blind eye to a piddling nuclear program?

Come ON, America!

(*All American Paul Revere Memorial Super Chilli-Dog (with staff discount ssssshhh!!))