rivercityvibe   “Puerile, smutty, schoolboy nonsense” – My Mom

Today is William Shakespeare’s birthday. It’s a big deal for some of us. In celebration I am going to treat you (lucky readers……..) to a clip of Kenneth Branagh playing the eponymous hero in Henry V – still probably the best movie adaptation of Shakespeare going. Let’s watch it and then discuss:

This is, of course, a fictionalized account of the eve of the Battle of Agincourt. You know – the battle in which a ragtag army of English peasants, decimated by disease and trying to escape back to England after the Siege of Harfleur, ANNIHILATED an enormous French army sent to stop them? That battle of Agincourt.

Back to Lohan’s rack etc. this afternoon.

Andy Samberg, the genius behind “I’m on a boat” – the curly haired one who looks like a horse-  has been selected to host the MTV Movie Awards.  Good choice, MTV – he is very, very funny. Here’s Jack Black and that one guy from Superbad making the announcement:

I find myself in a preternaturally good mood, today. It might be the skunk, but I think it is more likely that it is the weather. I have been secretly disappointed by our Florida spring, thus far.  I have (despite my  uncanny ability to accurately predict rain*) heralded the beginning of summer a number of times on this site only to be plunged back into sixty-five degree weather, which I consider unacceptably cold. I think we were psyched by the fact that Christmas Day temps were in the 80s. Anyway, the beautiful weather of the last few days sounds the death knell for misery. Things are looking up, my children. And in stark contrast to the advice of Michael Jackson, I urge you to blame it on the  sunshine. Seriously. It’s the sunshine’s fault.

Although I must admit, I share with him the problem of uncontrollable feet.  I am bustin’ some 70s moves here, Daddy-O…….

(* live outdoors for long enough and you too will develop this ability. I’d recommend it as a lifestyle optimization skill, but I am not sure it’s worth the effort it takes to acquire……..)

Speculation is mounting that rivercityvibe favorite Lindsay Lohan is considering a career in adult movies. She has, it is alleged, been hired to star alongside Scary Spice (even scarier with age….) in a one-off appearance on Peepshow, the burlesque production at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. This has been taken by many to mean she is one step closer to going the whole way.

She's built for it. And she's bi.

For the record, I think pornography is filthy, immoral and degrading to all involved.

(If it’s any good).

That habit we have, in Florida, of leaving one perfectly good beach and driving three hours to another, similar beach, once led me to Vero Beach. We stayed there a week, and I would characterize the experience as “okay”. Little did I realize that the puritan streak that pervades our culture and jostles for elbowroom among such everyday expressions of liberation as the thong, intimate piercings and the Alt Porn industry, had found a cause at Vero Beach. That cause was ass cracks and the local zealots mobilized to pass a law.

Their reasoning went something like this: “Vero is a beach community. We often host Spring Breakers. Spring Breakers like to wrestle in jello and get naked. That means our children might be exposed to butt-ocks. Let’s ban butt-ocks.” Then one of the city council, a rather anal* lawyer, said “First we need to define, in law, what buttocks are,” (he was snowbird Yankee).The rest of them nodded sagely before getting together to come up with this:

“For purposes of this section, the term ‘buttocks’ shall mean the area at the rear of the body which lies between two imaginary lines running parallel to the ground when a person is standing, the first or top such line drawn at the top of the nates (i.e. the prominence of the muscles running from the back of the hip to the back of the leg) and the second or bottom line drawn at the at the lowest visible of this cleavage or the lowest point of the curvature of the fleshy protuberance, whichever is lower, and between two imaginary lines on each side of the body, which lines are perpendicular to the ground and to the horizontal lines described above, and …”

The practical application of Euclidean Geometry. I hope you found this as informative as I did.

(*See what I did there?)

“Perez Hilton’s” mean-spirited attack on Miss California, who during the Miss USA competition dared to express rather a mainstream view about gay marriage (not one I share, by the way, before the haters get started), is beneath contempt. For this, he is awarded Assclown of the Week.

Of course, I realize what is happening here. The resulting coverage from his tantrum has not only raised the profile of an issue important to him, but has also increased the notoriety that he craves. This converts to unique views of his site, which he can then monetize with advertising. We fell for it, I’m afraid. He is manipulating us all, even me, as a write this. He is an evil Svengali. I can do no other than his bidding……..

Actually, that’s bullshit. I only used the story as an excuse to post this picture of a super-hot Miss California. She was robbed of the title:

Extremist?

I’m going to level with you. I have not the slightest interest in any opinion this young lady might have.

And don’t say that’s sexist.

Because it’s not.

I think you know that I have the ability to DESTROY my personal trainer when it comes to running long distances moderately quickly. He might be able to “bench” more than me (he is an alternative-lifestyle body-builder) but I pwn him when it comes to covering ground.

Part of the secret is running to the right music. A couple of weeks ago, my buddy, Seth Rotherham on our African sister-site 2oceansvibe, used Twitter to ask for recommendations for good work-out songs. I suggested my favorite running song of all time. This Time, by The Verve.

It’s not what you would think of as a work-out song, but it really is. It has a rapid back beat and pleasantly repetitive lyrics. It also builds to a crescendo. May  suggest you all try it, on your next 5 miler? I guarantee it will knock 30 seconds off per mile. I usually just loop it over and over. That’s why I am so swift.

As we approach North Florida’s seven month long summer, I want to offer a word of warning about the perils of sunbathing. Falling asleep on the beach after a liquid lunch at Pete’s can have dire effects. Kardashian Sr. found out the hard way and decided (impressively) to post the evidence on her Twitter account:

Her rack escaped relatively unscathed. Phew.

Speaking of Twitter, I twat regularly. To follow Joe Bones click HERE

The snooze-fest that is the Miss USA competition took place last night. Miss North Carolina won. Apparently rhinoplasty no longer disqualifies. She’s hot and so were most of the other contestants. They were all orange, though. Seriously. Like Oompa Loompas. You know none of their suntans came from lying out.

The mask slips...

Anyway, the whole thing reminded me  of Kelli McCarty who won the title Miss USA in 1991. Now, times are tough. Work is scarce. A girl’s gotta eat. With that in mind, Kelli McCarty’s move to the adult film industry makes sense. Fair enough, right?

When asked what motivated her to make this career move, Ms. McCarty said:

“I enjoy acting, and I really like sex, so this was the perfect opportunity to combine two of my passions,” McCarty says in her defense. “I approached Vivid with the idea of shooting a film with a sexy but interesting storyline, and I was pleasantly surprised with the amount of control I was given throughout the production process. I am very pleased with the final edit of Faithless, and I just may do another adult film…….”

Every model’s dream. Visit www.kelliusa.net for more information, you pervs. NSFW, obviously.

The attention that Susan Boyle has received for her performance of I Dream a Dream on Britain’s Got Talent (an Idol-type show hosted by Simon Cowell) has dominated entertainment news in this country this week, with the 47 year-old cat-spinster being booked for Oprah and lauded by such awesome judges of talent as Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.

But it appears that England can offer more talent than just one lady’s singing voice. I was sent the following HILARIOUS clip of Dimitrios and Lagi which proves a point Simon Cowell made when he was asked if Ms. Boyle was a shoe-in winner. He said, “There are some acts that you haven’t seen yet, it’s not quite the one horse race you  think this is…….

Stavros Flatley – Britains Got Talent – Watch more Funny Videos

I expect the tattoo of Cyprus has lost him the influential Turkish vote……