Archive for the ‘Planet Florida’ Category

Keeping Children Safe on Planet Florida…..   1 comment

Posted at 12:22 pm in Planet Florida

This must be an elaborate practical joke.

If not it is probably one of the best examples of Bones Rule # 1 – which states, as you will no doubt have been taught in metaphysics class, that fact is always and without exception, funnier than fiction (F>f=Fn).

It appears that the Bomb Squad down in Orlando blew up a stuffed animal in front of Waterbridge Elementary School. The footage is unbelievable. Like a hilarious spoof.

When did we become this nation of gung-ho chickenshits? Do you think this whole lockdown and destruction of a treasured  toy animal was good for the kids? Safety first, judgement second? Or do we reckon they were terrified and will grow up to be scared of muslims?

The only good thing to come out of it is this:

Written by Joe Bones on September 10th, 2010

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CSI: Avondale   no comments

Posted at 10:35 am in Planet Florida

A crack team of forensic investigators and criminal profilers from RAP has been reassigned from their duties enforcing the strict no-double-glazing laws (“not authentic”) and hunting down ne’er-do-wells who think adding guttering to their houses might help with wood-rot (“the fools!”). The new assignment is to investigate a crime scene of such unbelievable depravity, it makes you question your faith in Jesus:

Remember that Curb your Enthusiasm episode in which Larry David inadvertently misspells “aunt” in his wife’s aunt’s obituary? With Banksy-fever sweeping Jacksonville, there’s an opportunity here for a graffittoid…..

Seriously, though, stop stealing the flowers. I don’t care how fancy lookin’ they make your crack den.

Written by Joe Bones on July 5th, 2010

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River City makes headlines in the UK!   2 comments

Posted at 12:19 pm in Planet Florida

Oh dear.

The largest circulation English language daily newspaper in the entire world. The Sun (UK) is running a story about a Jacksonville mother who let her baby play with her bong, then posted a picture online.


It looks like we’re getting the international profile the Chamber wants!

More international coverage HERE.

Way to go Jax!


Written by Joe Bones on June 25th, 2010

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Welcome to Planet Florida…….   2 comments

Posted at 7:36 am in Planet Florida

Okay, I am establishing a new category, which I am calling Planet Florida (genius, non?).

Not for nothing does the rest of the country look on Florida as the home of eccentrics, weirdos and old folk. The see us (that’s you and me) as deeply alien. Like Tusken Raiders. Or the Borg. We in North Florida are insulated to a point, from the worst of the craziness, but it seeps in sometimes. Last night, for example, we had a crazy ol’lady who lives near us dodge the claymores and fixed line machine guns that protect Bones’ Hideout and accuse me of reporting her to ‘The Government”. For what was never established. I advised her to sling her hook before I set the dogs on her. Nicely, of course. She’s old and clearly “from Florida”.

Anyway, to ease us in to the craziness, CCTV footage has emerged that shows some cops conducting a drug raid in Polk County. Tampa Bay Online sets the scene:

With guns drawn and flashlights cutting through darkened rooms, Polk County undercover drug investigators stormed the home of convicted drug dealer Michael Difalco near Lakeland in March…..

Then the cops stop everything and set about a nine hour bowling session with the suspect’s Nintendo Wii:

Click HERE for the Huffington Post’s take and the video.

I know. It’s awesome. Take me to you leader.

Written by Joe Bones on September 22nd, 2009

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