Archive for the ‘rivercityvibe’ Category

I know my shit is tight…..   1 comment

Posted at 7:55 am in rivercityvibe

Once in a while, I get something so good that it  drives me, like a champion of the Iditarod, back to rivercityvibe.  Star Wars is a big deal if you’re my age.  Boba Fett is the jewel in that saga’s crown. This  shit is tight:

Long lyrics, Savor them. Roll them around your tongue

Cruisin’ Mos Espa
In my Delorean
War’s over
I’m a peacetime mandalorian

My story has stumped
Star Wars historians
Deep in debate,
Buffet plate at Bennigan’s

Rhyme renegade
Sure to penetrate
First and second defence
I won’t hesitate

Got a job to do
when Darth’s the guy that delegates
Got something against Skywalker
Someone he really hates

I don’t give a fuck
I’m after Solo
For all I care
He could be hidin’ at Yoda’s dojo

Gotta make the money
Credit’s no good
When the jawas run a shop
In your neighborhood

Think you can cook?
I got a grappling hook
Let’s make this quick
‘Cause I’m really booked

I’m a devious degenerate
Defender of the devil
Shut down all the trash compactors
On the detention level

My backpack’s got jets
Well I’m Boba the Fett
Well I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt
To finance my ‘Vette

wicky wicky woo

Well I chill in deep space
A mask is over my face
Well I deliver the prize
But I still narrow my eyes
‘Cause my time
I don’t like to waste.

Get down

I’m a question
Wrapped inside an enigma
Get inside of Slave One
Find your homing signal

From Endor to Hoth
Ridley to Spock
I’ll find what you want
But there’s gonna be a cost

See, my name is Boba Fett
I know my shit is tight
Start not actin’right
You’re frozen in carbonite

Got telescopic sight
Flame throwers on my wrist
You still don’t get the gist
Spiked boots are made to kick

Targets are made to hit
You think I give a shit
Yo mama is a bitch
I see you in the Sarlaac Pit

You just flipped my switch
Integrity been dissed
You scratchin’ on my itch
You know I shoot the gif

I get bambinas at cantinas
when I lick my lusty lips
So I let you get back inside
Your little space ship

Give you a head start
‘Cause I’m the sportin’ kind
Consider the starting line
The sneaky smile I hide inside

Hope you have hyper drive (drive)
pray to stay alive (‘live)
Don’t try to slip me a five
‘Cause I never take a bribe

To the beat of a different drummer
Bad ass bounty hunter
Let no man put asunder
Or else they be put under

As in six feet
Got an imperial fleet
Backin’ me up, gonna blow up
Any attempt to defeat

They gotta death star
Got four payments on my car
Hand it over to hammer head
At Mos Eisley bar

He used to carjack
Now he’s a barback
Just goes to show how you can
Get back on the right track

As for me that’s not an option
Can’t say that with more clarity
Me going legit would be like
Jar Jar on speech therapy

My backpack’s got jets
Well I’m Boba the Fett
Well I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt
To finance my ‘Vette

wicky wicky woo

Well I chill in deep space
A mask is over my face
Well I deliver the prize
But I still narrow my eyes
‘Cause my time
I don’t like to waste.

Get down

Slice you open like a Taun Taun
Faster than the Autobahn
Or a motorbike in Tron
Do the deed and then I’m gone

Jaba has a hissyfit
Contact Calrissian
Over a colt, the plan unfolds
No politic is legit

Back in the day
When I was a slave
Living life in the fast lane
Like in a pod race

My mean streak tweaked
I became a basket case
So this space ace
Split that place, poste haste

Took up a noble cause
Called the Clone Wars
‘Cause life’s not all about
Girls and cars

Getting fucked up
In fucked up bars
See, I’m not a retard
Or gay like de Barge

I’m large and in charge
With a face so scarred
A cold black heart
That’s been torn apart

The Sith wish that they
Had a dick so hard
‘Cause it’s long long ago
In a pussy far far

Call me master, ’cause I’m faster
Than Pryor on fire
I no longer have to hot wire

I’m a hunter for hire
With no plans to retire
And all the sucka MCs
Can call me sire

My backpack’s got jets! (jets jets jets)

Well I’m Boba the Fett! (the Fett the Fett)

Well I bounty hunt for Jabba Hutt, (Jabba Hutt Jabba Hutt Jabba Hutt)

…To finance my ‘Vette (my ‘Vette my ‘Vette my ‘Vette my ‘Vette)

Written by Joe Bones on September 27th, 2011

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Mark Zuckerberg needs a slap……   no comments

Posted at 9:26 am in rivercityvibe

That seems to be the prevailing opinion. The Facebook founder and owner has been pretty much reviled in the press. I think it is the usual type of jealous abuse – you know, him being a geek and the youngest billionaire on the planet and all. I have tried to form an objective view of him and there are good grounds to believe he is probably a bit of an asshole, but his story…. his story….

I read a book once called Masters of Doom. It was about the guys who invented the computer game Doom and the weird shenanigans that these geeks get up to the whole time. I have no idea what Doom is or why it was so important*, but the book was UTTERLY fascinating. I think Zuckerberg’s story is likely to have a similar appeal. Anyhow, we’re about to find out, the biopic The Social Network is on its way. Strapline: You don’t get to 500 million friends without making a few enemies. See what they did there?

I have to say, using Radiohead’s Creep was inspired. It works on many different levels. Of course, it’s not as good as the superlative version, live by Chrissie Hynde, but it works. It really does. Even though they left the work “fucking” out.

Talking of social networks, you can follow Joe Bones on Facebook and Twitter. Do it. We run competitions (bikini, mainly) and shit like that.

(*I have only played one computer game in my life – Modern Warfare 2. I am SKILL at it. Seriously. On free-for-all I can pwn your ass no problem. WITHOUT claymore mines).

Losing my mirth….   no comments

Posted at 3:10 pm in rivercityvibe

A number of profoundly boring things have occurred lately. A sentry droid at Bones HQ ran amok and destroyed two of my best orchids. On top of that, I crashed my jet pack into the river on the way to work this morning (that’s why the Ortega Bridge was closed). Now it’s soggy and favors the left. I have to keep correcting it midflight which is giving me wrist ache. On top of this, my dog’s lower lip has begun to lose its pigmentation, which is giving me sleepless nights.

Basically, this has caused me to lament the human condition.

Lament it.


Nobody could put it better than the Swan of Avon and nobody could put the bard into a more relevant context the Messrs. Robinson and Grant:

I am going to self-medicate myself with a lager poultice, a pale ale enema and 2 quarts of stout, orally administered. Then I am going to secure a bottle of 18 year old malt, rub a  quarter of it on my chest and drink the rest.

I’ll be right as rain by morning.

Written by Joe Bones on September 15th, 2010

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Ladies of DragonCon Part 3   no comments

Posted at 2:55 pm in rivercityvibe

I am bored of this now, but again, it has proved an unbelievably popular attraction. Let’s see who I can randomly pull out of my pics  folder carefully select on their aesthetic merits, six crucial criteria: face, rack, posterior….. (that’s enough sexism. They are people, not objects. ed.)

Carry on please, Sarnt Major......
Carry on please, Sarnt Major……
Yes. Very nice.
Yes. Very nice.
Chaps = crotchless leather trousers
Chaps = crotchless leather trousers
Violent looking. That's good.
Violent looking. That’s a good thing.
Work it baby! Work it!
“Squadron 40! Dive!”

I thought Brian Blessed was going through a personal crisis for a minute. Okay, one more post – Repeat Offenders to appear in the next week and that’s the lot.

Jeez, this has got really old for me. Yawn.

Written by Joe Bones on September 15th, 2010

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Perhaps we could reanimate Alexander McQueen?   no comments

Posted at 1:59 pm in rivercityvibe

Since he offed himself, Lady Gaga’s outfits have gone from the sublime to the ridick! Seriously, this is her at the airport. I was thinking “at least wearing next-to-nothing will speed her through security” then I noticed her stupid shoes. And. Her. Fucking. Handcuffs.

Lady Gaga

Can it be a coincidence that “Lady Gaga’s” real name is Stefani Germanotta. Which: a) is itself an obviously made up name; and b) has the word German in it (look carefully).

And we all know what we think of them.

After what they did…….

Written by Joe Bones on September 15th, 2010

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That one guy from Stark County….   no comments

Posted at 11:46 am in rivercityvibe

I nearly broke this news, but after an afternoon drinking an opaque liquid from a smoky bottle that a limbless friend brought back from Dushanbe, I forgot about it completely for four days.

So it’s old, now.

Like your sexual technique.

Here he is, Phil Davison, Stark County (wherethat?) Treasurer wannabe, getting enthused:

He has a lot of academic qualifications. And he REALLY wants to be Treasurer. But I love it when he muffs his “most favorite quote”. The one that Albert Einstein “issued”…….

Ladies of DragonCon 2010 Part 2   1 comment

Posted at 3:27 pm in rivercityvibe

Where would we be without them, I ask myself? Without lovely ladies who know a minus 2 THAC0 when they see one, and can outline the multiple powers of the Invulnerable Coat of Arnd while stripping to nearly nothing for the team. BOOM!

well done.

Just look at those.

ooooh, chase me.......

ooooh, chase me.......

oi, you. Behave.

oi, you. Behave.

Smouldering. Nice ass too, BTW.

Smouldering. Nice ass too, BTW.

The right attitude.

The right attitude.

We’re going to have one more ladies of DragonCon post and then a post on Repeat Offenders – those who I snapped this year and in 2009.

It’s because you love it, you bunch of weirdos…..

Written by Joe Bones on September 13th, 2010

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Ladies of DragonCon 2010 Part 1   no comments

Posted at 10:24 am in rivercityvibe

It’s that  time again. I have tried to achieve a balance between “unusual” and “slutty/hot”. If in doubt I have skewed  selection toward the latter. These girls were complete legends to let me take pictures of them, particularly as whenever I did so, a bunch of portly, sweaty and usually bearded perverts would magically appear and start snapping up-skirt and boob pics. I mean, fair game, but a bit scary…….

A nice warmer into the bank

A nice warmer into the bank

Sexy/scary. Nice rack, too....

Sexy/scary. Nice rack, too....

Big tool joke alpha

Big tool joke alpha

Miss Whiplash has got into swords.... eek!

Miss Whiplash has got into swords.... eek!



Look out for Part 2 Coming soon. I have got like a thousand pics. It’s old for me, but I thought you might appreciate it……

Written by Joe Bones on September 10th, 2010

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The Dan Band……..   1 comment

Posted at 8:30 am in rivercityvibe

I watched The Hangover again last night. I was not one of the folks who raved about it, initially (I think Old School is much funnier). Maybe the reason why so many folks liked it is because they thought it was over-the-top outrageous.


I’ve seen worse.

Perhaps one day I’ll relate to you the sordid events at best friend Docs’ bachelor party, the subsequent lifetime ban from the BENELUX countries and the nightmare of recriminations that continue to this day. It’ll give you amateurs some perspective.

I digress. On third -watching, The hangover was pretty awesome, but this post is not about the movie, it’s about The Dan Band – the wedding band that appears at the end of the movie. The one that seems strangely familiar…..

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I’ll tell you where you’ve seen them before. As well as the Hangover they have appeared in Old School itself, The Terminal, and Starsky and Hutch. They are famous for their foul-mouthed versions of songs by female vocalists, particularly their classic version of Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart:

Good material. The common denominator between all of the films in which they have appeared is producer director Todd Phillips, who strikes me as the type of person you’d like to have a beer with. As a special treat I have arranged for this clip of the Dan Band performing the classic legwarmer classic Fame, by Irene Cara to be shown. It is from The Hangover, but does not appear in the movie. I’m spoiling you, I know. Check it out:

They are touring the US soon. Fingers crossed.

Written by Joe Bones on September 9th, 2010

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Is DragonCon just for geeks?   no comments

Posted at 10:53 am in rivercityvibe

Errrr…. yes. Categorically.

I attended Dragon*Con again, having sworn I never would. In my own  geeky way, I had hopes of recapturing my number one position on The Google for “Ladies of DragonCon”. My experience was pretty much the same as last year. It’s like every hero and heroine of literature and film has stopped going to the gym, taken up donuts, and come to Atlanta.

It was actually pretty entertaining, providing you stayed well lubricated throughout (Peachtree Ale and Jaegermeister). There were some VERY naughty little minxes  wandering around dressed in pelts and the like, flaunting bodies that screamed defiance of the gym/donut rule. We shall be discussing them in another post shortly. In some detail.

And there were about a million of those white guys from Star Wars. Jedi’s or whatnot.

CIMG0013 (2)

I arranged that picture. Brilliant, non? As a taster, there were lots of ladies dressed similar to this:


I didn’t get it, but it cheered me up. Watch this space for more ladies of DragonCon.

Nanu nanu, Earthlets.